Way Off Broadway

I should be getting ready for work, but I can't stop watching this movie called Way Off Broadway. It's crazy because some of the storyline is way too close to home, but... it's kinda cool to see this as an indie. roughly it's about a group of really close friends, whom are artists in their own rights trying to make it. and surely enough, the playwright gets the girl at the end... *sigh*

wrapping this up, it deals not only with the "success" of being an artist, but more importantly, the failures of being one. as i said, really close to home. the movie just finished and i have to go off to my... job.

politics

So at my ripe age of 36, I'm just starting to see the political process in action. It's a great time to be an American because there is a call to action. A call for a revolution in this country has been asked for and I want to be in there and help create an American that I can be proud of. I wonder who ever thought of having the presidential elections fall on the same year as the Olympics, but it doesn't hurt to be a jingoist.

I never knew who Joe Biden was before last night, so his speech was very important to me to listen to. And now that I've heard him, I'm more at ease with him being a Vice Presidential Candidate. He is convicted of how to deal with foreign affairs, just as he is assured as Barack will do the right thing.

I think one of the major points I'll take from last night is that Yes, a lot of the countries in the world hate us. And there's only one person to blame for this. GEORGE BUSH! I understand that in his mind, he needed to take the hard stance on everything. But it's not what I believe in. Thus, it's hard for me to say that I don't believe in this current president. He has taken a stance of being the Bully of the world, and being the president of the united states, it reflects so badly on all of us. That's why I liked one of the quotes by Frmr. President Clinton. "Diplomacy is first and military action is only used as a LAST RESORT!" The war in Iraq has gone on for too long. How many more Americans have to die there? I'm not going to vote for a person who wants to keep troops there for 100 years. Speaking as a military brat, realistically, that might happen. Shoot, we still have troops in Germany. But I would never say that if I was running for office. Numb Nut!

But I'm doing my part to try and listen to the "other side". It's to be sure that I am voting for the right person. I saw the "debate" at Saddleback, and I have to admit that I liked McKain's demeanor and candor when he answered the questions... well, that is until he stated very clearly that he only believed that a marriage can only exist between a man and a woman. i respect his belief, despite how backward his thinking is.

But I digress, Barack Obama is starting to look like someone I can believe in. Someone I am willing to help to make this country stronger. Don't get me wrong, this is still a great country and I'm very fortunate to be an American, but there's just so many things wrong with it's current inability to say that All Men (and Women) are created EQUAL! I'm hoping that Barack will be that person I can hold accountable to making this real american dream come true. An African-American male. A black man. Officially and Realistically can become the President of the United States. That's one step taken in the right direction for the rest of us... UNITED.

My Fear

So, tonight is the closing night of my play, The Gift, and I was seriously considering not going. My alternative plan was to go to sac and play poker. That would've been fun plus I would be with people whom I was comfortable with. Then in typical tropa23 fashion i started analyzing this choice. A major accomplishment in my life is ending yet i didn't want to go. why?

fear. i am afraid to get close to these amazing people. everything is still new even though i've known most of them for a year now. there's nothing bad about them. they are artists and doing something GREAT for the community. then why should i be afraid? it's because i didn't want to lose the friendships i had in sac. however, through natural causes... some of those closeness is gone. i've been pretty depressed about that lately, but i guess that's the way it just goes. i ain't mad at anyone or anything like that, it just happens. just sad about it. it's just that i have to start over again. what i have with my friends in sac is different. some of them are not even considered friends to me. they are more like family. and one thing about families is that it takes a lot to break that fiber. with friends, that interweaving of over a decade of friendship can and will be tested, stretched out, and sometimes torn. but being a family, those strains always eventually get mended. well that's what i believe.

but back to this fear. i was watching something last night on tv and there was this one line from something a movie i flipped to where one of the characters says to another, "if you don't face fear, you won't see the opportunity." and that's really been my problem, i've been too scared to approach others. i have no idea why, it's just that. ugh. and it's utterly stupid to use the I'M SHY excuse. I have to man up and just say hi. it doesn't necessarily mean i can carry a conversation after that, but just be yourself and to again stop hiding behind a fake facade of "but, this is myself." yes... i've been funny, but not in a haha kind of way.

paalam.

learning

went to stories high last night and was pleasantly... well i won't say surprised, because i know how good everyone is, but i was taken aback by how tighter and tighter the show has gotten. i take that back cuz i do know that only going through a run is the only way for the cast and crew to get tighter! it was fun to see ALL of the pieces come together. i'm taking notes tonight and start on another play. well, try to start. it should be fun.

been thinking about someone today. i think i wrote about this before but for some odd reason, i've been thinking about her. i don't know why. we're just friends, but... and believe me there's no romantic inclinations there. none. but is that why i'm obessesing over her... because there i do think of her as more than such. preposterous! just sucks to think about someone too much. i think i did write about the unrequited friendship before. you know, when you think that someone is a close friend... but not getting the love in return. it's so stupid to feel like this! childish even. maybe, it's just plain sadness. sadness that for some reason that i'm so blind to see that we aren't as close as we used to be. or maybe even that was an illusion. *chuckle* why do i do this to MYSELF? i'm crazy, but at least i'm able to laugh at myself for it.

paalam.

:)

calm now.

depression

i don't really expect anyone to read this so i'll put this up. note: i'm writing this to get all this angst out of me. i'm not looking for sympathy or help or anything. sori. even though you can read this as me complaining, it's because i am. but i'll never say these things out loud. i don't need help. i don't need friends. i don't need pity. i'm going through shit right now and i know that this is just a part of me that has to be let out every once in a while. shit.

what's going on with me? i'm so fuckin... shit.

whatever. have a nice day.

inability to love

i forgot what it was to be in love. i can watch a romantic movie or something, but it will seem completely foreign to me. what happened? i am completely devoid of feeling anything right now. what's happening to me? one of my favorite indulgences is the movie MOULIN ROUGE. and at the heart of that movie says that everything is love. love is the greatest thing in the world. love is a many splendid thing. love lifts us up where we belong.

ugh! i guess i just haven't found the one. shoot, i'm not even in like with anyone. no one. grrrr.... what's wrong with me? and i'm not even in the opposite vengeful mood either with the f*ck people who are in love or anything. actually, quite the opposite. i'm happy for people who are in love. i'm happy for those who have found their other half.

*sigh* i'm ready for go across the pond...

dear friend...

to my dear friend... me. this sucks. i'm up at 1am and i really shouldn't be here. i'm just so upset about not being in la with my family. i'm just going through a lot of emotions right now. where's the reset button to life? grrrr... i need a run right now. i would if fricken racoons weren't running around.

fricken bill gates and oprah are on tv talking about the state of education. i don't kare kare. this sucks. i'm just really bummed right now!

apathy. so stupid talking about the real low level of education. why have america's children fallen so far behind? so? man, this whole country can be f*cked up sometimes. it's like a lot of today's youth are so caught up and interested in so much other than school. and sh*t, there's a lot about life not to get interested about here. oh, ain't that rich. their showing kids going through a metal detector. wtf?

okay now their showing a school in the suburbs that has a total gym! with elliticals and stuff. and also showing the differences between the schools. wtf? this is seriously pissing me off! wtf?!?! this isn't rocket science in the inequities between these two schools. this gov't don't give a shit about these schools that are really hurting the future of america... then again, it makes me question if this is what the gov't really wants.

now i'm blaming the gov't because who else can fund these schools? what are the expectations for these "not so well to do schools"? stupid.

whatever, i wasn't really into this. and now i'm riled up about something THAT IS NOT NEW!

get back to me.

i shouldn't be here. i feel rotten. booooooo!!!! sorry for writing the worst blog ever written :(

a hypoglycemic attack?

I don't know why i'm trippin' just now, but i'm scared. i didn't tell anyone this so here it goes... right before i was off to Pleasanton for an event, I just left my house when i started not feeling right. i knew what it was and i was stupid for driving, but i knew that i had a couple of minutes before... so i managed to pull into a gas station right on the corner and ran in for some water and an oatmeal cookie. i don't know why i was being picky with what i needed to eat, but i was looking at the calories. anyways, paid for my stuff in a cold sweat and ran back to the car to pour the gasoline and jumped back in the car to devour said cookie.

i had another attack. i don't really remember the last one but i do remember the other 2 occasions. both when i was on vacation - once in la and the other in the philippines. the one in la was the worst cuz i really didn't know what was happening to me. i just remember that i was in an apple store looking at a computer when i felt unbelievably nauseaus and dizzy. i distinctly my finger being on a mouse and moving to the keyboard and when i lifted my appendages up, i saw the little pool of sweat that was left behind. what the hell was happening? i quickly got outside of the store and found a bench to sit on, but still didn't feel any better. the only thing that went through my head was my dad and what we needed to do for him when he felt the same way. i don't know how, but i managed to walk up a flight of stairs to the food court and get some food - chinese i think. totally drenched, i managed to eat and 15-20 minutes later, i started to feel better. i think that was my first hypoglycemic attack.

for some reason, i never went to the doctor to check this out, nor did i tell anyone about this... well except for one person. being honest, i don't know if i wanted to "cure" this or want to know what was happening. let me divert for a sec... a couple of weeks ago i was watching a show called pinoy dream academy. on this particular episode, they talked about different personality types. i classified myself as an artist. and one of the side-effects of being an artist, is that we can lean towards a self-destructive behaviour. again, being honest, this is me. and i guess one example of this is not wanting to get this thing that happening to me checked out. i could be driving next time and it'll happen and i'll crash. i could be alone somewhere and it could happen. the thing is... i would be fine to just let it be.

that was then. something now is happening where i am starting to care what would happen to me. i'm not looking for pity or anything. i'm 36 and an adult. hmmmm... maybe that's why i do care. because i am growing up and not looking for attention. i don't need it anymore. i just want to finally be myself. and what's good in being me, if i'm dead. it's funny because i don't know how i got to this point in my life where i'm not really caring about what other's think about me. i'll be the first to admit that this has been my problem for as long as i can remember. i just think it's odd that i'm learning to care about myself rather than caring what others think of me. i guess in the end, i'm starting to really question, who'll be there for me? don't get me wrong though, not caring about what others think, won't stop me from CARING ABOUT OTHERS. i love a lot of people! i used to have the need for others to tell me that they loved me, but as i grow older, i'm finding out that actions speak louder than words. but as i said, in my contradictory self, i do ask myself, who'll love me back? unfortunately, that's not up for me to decide as long as i don't act like a dick or anything.

wow. this is a dark entry. bottom line - i just filled out some paperwork for my local doctor and when all that is approved, i'll make an appointment. period.

paalam.

blog

gad. i used to be able to write in this thing like for days at a time and just lately, i just haven't been in the mood to write. which is wrong. i need to. even though it's just in here. i tried, and failed, to write 3 pages a day after about a week in one of my journals. oh well. just not feeling it.

cavite. i saw the movie last night as it was free on ON DEMAND. it was interesting. low budget, but the film makers made the movie. it's so hard to know what's real and what's not. i guess my naivete was compounded recently because i have a friend in london who moved there from the philippines. i went camping a couple of weeks ago and i was talking about the conditions over there and just the general psyche of the Filipino person living there. corruption. poverty. pollution. their reality. i don't want to say sad, because as i said, i'm really ignorant about everything! i do want to know what's happening. but the thing is, as one of the principals i live by, "if you can't DO anything about it, don't talk about what ifs." i mean, i see things like Gawad Kalinga and Bantay Bata 163 or BayaniJuan (is that right?) and what sucks is that i am really really wary of who i give my support and money to. and despite being in HELLA debt, i try to donate as much as I can, in money or time, to causes that i believe in, but...

as i was talking to my friend, what is there to do? I WANT TO HELP!!!! there are so many families... people there who are not "well to do." sometimes i feel ashamed about being here when i'm with my cousins, but at least i know that my other cousins whom are living in canada are able to provide for my aunt and my other cousins there. but i know how bad they'd want to leave the country. it's so hard for me to indeed fathom, for a people with SO MUCH PRIDE that they have to leave their own country to make a living for their families. i sound so snobbish, and i don't want to feel like that, but at the same time, it sux. 7

just all this happening and watching cavite has just sparked this confusion and pain and madness and anger for the country that runs through these veins. and even though, i know how much i LOVE BEING AN AMERICAN, i can't help but feel some responsibility as a human being to help in ANY way. maybe there is...

stay tuned.

paalam.