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gad. i used to be able to write in this thing like for days at a time and just lately, i just haven't been in the mood to write. which is wrong. i need to. even though it's just in here. i tried, and failed, to write 3 pages a day after about a week in one of my journals. oh well. just not feeling it.

cavite. i saw the movie last night as it was free on ON DEMAND. it was interesting. low budget, but the film makers made the movie. it's so hard to know what's real and what's not. i guess my naivete was compounded recently because i have a friend in london who moved there from the philippines. i went camping a couple of weeks ago and i was talking about the conditions over there and just the general psyche of the Filipino person living there. corruption. poverty. pollution. their reality. i don't want to say sad, because as i said, i'm really ignorant about everything! i do want to know what's happening. but the thing is, as one of the principals i live by, "if you can't DO anything about it, don't talk about what ifs." i mean, i see things like Gawad Kalinga and Bantay Bata 163 or BayaniJuan (is that right?) and what sucks is that i am really really wary of who i give my support and money to. and despite being in HELLA debt, i try to donate as much as I can, in money or time, to causes that i believe in, but...

as i was talking to my friend, what is there to do? I WANT TO HELP!!!! there are so many families... people there who are not "well to do." sometimes i feel ashamed about being here when i'm with my cousins, but at least i know that my other cousins whom are living in canada are able to provide for my aunt and my other cousins there. but i know how bad they'd want to leave the country. it's so hard for me to indeed fathom, for a people with SO MUCH PRIDE that they have to leave their own country to make a living for their families. i sound so snobbish, and i don't want to feel like that, but at the same time, it sux. 7

just all this happening and watching cavite has just sparked this confusion and pain and madness and anger for the country that runs through these veins. and even though, i know how much i LOVE BEING AN AMERICAN, i can't help but feel some responsibility as a human being to help in ANY way. maybe there is...

stay tuned.

paalam.