a hypoglycemic attack?

I don't know why i'm trippin' just now, but i'm scared. i didn't tell anyone this so here it goes... right before i was off to Pleasanton for an event, I just left my house when i started not feeling right. i knew what it was and i was stupid for driving, but i knew that i had a couple of minutes before... so i managed to pull into a gas station right on the corner and ran in for some water and an oatmeal cookie. i don't know why i was being picky with what i needed to eat, but i was looking at the calories. anyways, paid for my stuff in a cold sweat and ran back to the car to pour the gasoline and jumped back in the car to devour said cookie.

i had another attack. i don't really remember the last one but i do remember the other 2 occasions. both when i was on vacation - once in la and the other in the philippines. the one in la was the worst cuz i really didn't know what was happening to me. i just remember that i was in an apple store looking at a computer when i felt unbelievably nauseaus and dizzy. i distinctly my finger being on a mouse and moving to the keyboard and when i lifted my appendages up, i saw the little pool of sweat that was left behind. what the hell was happening? i quickly got outside of the store and found a bench to sit on, but still didn't feel any better. the only thing that went through my head was my dad and what we needed to do for him when he felt the same way. i don't know how, but i managed to walk up a flight of stairs to the food court and get some food - chinese i think. totally drenched, i managed to eat and 15-20 minutes later, i started to feel better. i think that was my first hypoglycemic attack.

for some reason, i never went to the doctor to check this out, nor did i tell anyone about this... well except for one person. being honest, i don't know if i wanted to "cure" this or want to know what was happening. let me divert for a sec... a couple of weeks ago i was watching a show called pinoy dream academy. on this particular episode, they talked about different personality types. i classified myself as an artist. and one of the side-effects of being an artist, is that we can lean towards a self-destructive behaviour. again, being honest, this is me. and i guess one example of this is not wanting to get this thing that happening to me checked out. i could be driving next time and it'll happen and i'll crash. i could be alone somewhere and it could happen. the thing is... i would be fine to just let it be.

that was then. something now is happening where i am starting to care what would happen to me. i'm not looking for pity or anything. i'm 36 and an adult. hmmmm... maybe that's why i do care. because i am growing up and not looking for attention. i don't need it anymore. i just want to finally be myself. and what's good in being me, if i'm dead. it's funny because i don't know how i got to this point in my life where i'm not really caring about what other's think about me. i'll be the first to admit that this has been my problem for as long as i can remember. i just think it's odd that i'm learning to care about myself rather than caring what others think of me. i guess in the end, i'm starting to really question, who'll be there for me? don't get me wrong though, not caring about what others think, won't stop me from CARING ABOUT OTHERS. i love a lot of people! i used to have the need for others to tell me that they loved me, but as i grow older, i'm finding out that actions speak louder than words. but as i said, in my contradictory self, i do ask myself, who'll love me back? unfortunately, that's not up for me to decide as long as i don't act like a dick or anything.

wow. this is a dark entry. bottom line - i just filled out some paperwork for my local doctor and when all that is approved, i'll make an appointment. period.

paalam.