the itch to perform... is gone.

not me. stories high is coming up and i was a part of the acting class, but there's been something missing in me for the last year... the itch to perform. i think that i'm just content on being in the background and creating stuff for what i want to see on the stage. but i've either been too lazy or just uninspired to write or create anything lately. i missing a deadline for another submission call.

but back to not feeling the need to perform. it's quite odd actually. i've been performing in one way or another since i was 10. i took a little break during my aac years, but the itch ALWAYS persisted. after a lay-off i found myself starting to miss being on a stage. it was funny, a couple of weeks ago, i was helping out at burbank for the philippine troupe of dances at burbank and the first thing i did when i got on stage, what i always do when i'm on ANY stage is stand downstage center and look into the empty seats and just had that "feeling." that feeling of what it's like to be in front of a crowd, no matter how big or small, and just act, sing, "dance", play an instrument... just that connection i have when i have their attention. but to be able to perform at a level that's my best. all of the hours of rehearsal. the exploration. all the initial thoughts of i'll never be able to pull this off culminates to this moment in time that can NEVER be duplicated. all of those emotions, thoughts, and hard work put into being on stage for others to see if you'll be able to take them to another place or wish they stayed home. that dichotomy is probably that thing that has always given me that itch.

strange as it is, i don't miss it though. maybe in a year or two. maybe when i'm able to shed more lbs. maybe if it's onstage with my best friends again. maybe. but now. no. instead, i want to put that focus on creating, and that's not a bad place to be at this time in my life.

my personal feelings aside, i will always be proud, supportive, and happy at seeing my friends, and family, continue to grace the place of where i've called home for over 20 years of my life... the stage.

Break me...

i'm watchin pda 2 they're doing this exercise in dance class where i guess this weeks lesson is centered around sensuality with their songs and attitude. i'm like... uh. okay. i guess it's part of their overall lessons of being a performer. i guess what i'm taking from it is the separation, er rather, the correlation between being sexy and "being" sexy as in terms of attitude.

ok, this train of thought has totally derailed. anyways, today i was up in sac for the funeral of the funky bass player's wife. hecka sad. funerals suck because well... they just do. sometimes you kinda think that after you've been to enough of them that you can get used to them. but no. no matter how long ago the last funeral you were at, you're transported to that point in time when all the tears, sniffling, come flooding back. sometimes you think that, or maybe you force yourself to think that these times are not supposed to be about wallowing in the saddness of death, but rather to revel in the life that person leaves... but no matter how much you try to think that way... nope. we're only human after all. but it's also at these times when i think about gary's song, break me. to me, it is about the acceptance that not everything is "okay" and this is my time to not only mourn, but to totally break down... but knowing and having the trust that Jesus, or place your higher power here, is and will always be there to build you back up with the utmost love and care. He is the only one who can do that. It's just being able to believe and trust that He will. i respect other people's belief's and i hope that they can respect mine.

aside from the saddness of today, i liked sharing life with some of my closest friends. it's been a while, but i'm hoping to do more of it soon.... it's a good way to get away from real life.

struggle for happiness...

such a crazy time in my life. it's the last day of thinking about what i'm going to do. *sigh* i was @ borders last night going to my favorite section of the moment... the self-help section.

*** oh, here's a thing i do based on my beliefs - i wander. without getting religious, i let go and let the Great Spirit guide me to find what book/magazine/dvd/cd to look through. in this belief, i have the hope that whatever question is lingering on my mind will be answered in what i find. you never know. ***

so on this wandering, even though i knew my brain was searching for something about being happy, and i landing on a yellow cover which title yelled to me... "Why your life sucks... and what you can do about it." it was an interesting title, so i began to read it. on the first page, it started to tell a story about how a young jr. teacher walked into a classroom to give the new to the class that the regular professor will no longer be coming to class because he had taken his own life. that was a wake up call. it was the conclusion of the author that this person had ended his life because of the state of unhappiness.

that's a little extreme... but it made sense, and that's the scary thing, that someone can kill himself because of being sad. i've been kinda doing some research on the topic of suicide, and one thing i found is that one of the chief reasons why someone would off themselves is because they lose hope. hope that things will get better.

one of my favorite tv shows right now is called Pinoy Dream Academy: Season 2. a couple of episodes ago, the scholars were asked to do a personality examination on themselves to isolate what type of person they were. for instance, a leader, and stuff like that. i am happy to know that i pretty much fit the ARTIST personality. but not because of what you might thing. there was things listed as good and bad stuff about being such. the good is that i'm an artist and i learn to love by not only creating but to hopefully bring either joy or some sort of catharsis to those who see my work. the bad thing is something i'll always remember: artists can be depressed (aka moody) and SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. this can mean doing physical harm to oneself either by drinking, cutting, use of drugs or in my case, overeating. self-destructive.

i guess that's one of the reasons why i bought this book. to find happiness. to find hope.

need some time...

taking a personal day today. need some time to figure things out. i'm not really liking where i am in life careerwise. you figure that if you've been doing something for the last 8 years that then you'd think that you're set. (please replace you're with i, in this case) but yeah. and it's not really about where i work. it's the work. for the last couple of months, i've been telling myself that it's JUST A JOB. but when a person spends 8 hours of everyday doing something that they just don't have the heart for, then.... well. i just saw a video of my former co-workers having fun. at first i THOUGHT that i'd be jealous or envious and maybe have a tad of regret for leaving that job, but keeping it real, i wasn't. that previous job is STILL the same thing that i just don't have the heart for. personally, i HELLA miss all of them. they are good, talented, and the some of the hardest workers I've been Blessed to work with. I wish them nothing but the best of luck with that company!

personally, i don't know if i can do this job anymore. this line of work. i'm putting down the list of pros and cons. pros: great money. sit all day. aside from the security of not really worrying too much, although i'm in debt, about the money part... that's it. that's it. the cons of leaving this position... the money.

i'm 36 and at another crossroads in my life. one thing, if not the only thing, in life to remember is that LIFE IS SHORT! live life with no regrets and strive to always be happy. given this "mantra" do what you love and the money will follow. if you don't, or if you get the money first, then will that lead to happiness? unfortunately, in my case. no. right now, i know what i have to do. but after that... then what? where is my happiness. where is the love? in a good way, i don't have to worry about the personal kind of love. sa london? i don't think so.

i have a lot of thinking to do this weekend.

Stories High 10

I'm SO thrilled that my play, THE GIFT, is a part of this years Stories High production of One-Acts produced by Bindlestiff Studio here in SF! Another step towards my dream...

Press Release for Stories High 2008

Bindlestiff’s staple production, Stories High, reaches it 10th anniversary with a new batch of writers, directors and actors eager to grace its stage.

Stories High is a series of theater workshops that culminates into a show. Artists and anyone who is interested in getting involved with community arts is invited to choose from acting, playwriting, directing, backstage managing, marketing, and producing workshops, all at affordable rates. Stories High hopes to discover, cultivate, and nurture new emerging artists. This is Bindlestiff' s 10th Stories High workshop and show.

Teasers for your tastebuds:
A couple in a bitter feud during their one year anniversary…
An insecure English high school teacher makes sense of her past…
A young woman meets the mother of her savior…
The power of love, and the fight for it, during a dancing class…
A soldier chooses between his family and his perceived country…
A murderer commits his last act of violence…
A confused boyfriend must decide between fidelity and guilty pleasure…

Featured Plays:

One Year written by John Raposas and directed by Thomas Paras
Non-Sequiturs written by Cathlin Goulding and directed by Ava Tong
The Gift written by Conrad Panganiban and directed by Nicole Maxali
Not Quite Unrequited written by Ava Tong and directed by Christina Ying
The Last Verse in Despair written by Ed Mabasa and directed by Kevin Correa
Choices written by Josef Anolin and directed by John Raposas
Brothers & Sisters written by Mario “Nomi” deMira and directed by R.J. Lozada

July 31st – August 16th
Thursday- Saturday
$10 - $15 sliding scale

Off Market Theater
965 Mission Street
Mission Street
San Francisco, CA 94103

Writing Facilitator – Samantha Chanse
Acting Facilitator – Allan Manalo
Directing Facilitator – Jeannie Barroga
Producers- Anthony Tagudar, Susanna Yu & Dianne Aquino Chui

For more information, please visit www.bindlestiffstudio.org. If you would like to make a reservation, please email Susie@bindlestiffstudio.org with the show title, date, and number of seats you’d like to reserve.

About Bindlestiff Studio
Established in 1997, Bindlestiff Studio is the nation's only independent and permanent community-based performing arts venue dedicated to the cultivation of emerging and established Filipino American artists. Its mission is to inspire community involvement and social awareness through the arts. Bindlestiff provides an affordable, professional theater to encourage artists to redefine the boundaries of social and artistic expression and provides the community access to diverse offerings in theatrical productions, music and film festivals, workshops in directing, production, acting, stand-up comedy, and writing, in addition to a children and youth theater program. Bindlestiff needs your support as it enters into a new phase of artistic and organizational development. To donate or to volunteer, please call (415) 255-0440 or visit our website at www.bindlestiffstudio.org

this is the story of my work life...

What about a tuple as a key?

You can use a tuple as a key if all of the items contained in the tuple are immutable. Hence a tuple to be used as a key can contain strings, numbers, and other tuples containing references to immutable objects.

HUHHHHHH!?!?