the itch to perform... is gone.

not me. stories high is coming up and i was a part of the acting class, but there's been something missing in me for the last year... the itch to perform. i think that i'm just content on being in the background and creating stuff for what i want to see on the stage. but i've either been too lazy or just uninspired to write or create anything lately. i missing a deadline for another submission call.

but back to not feeling the need to perform. it's quite odd actually. i've been performing in one way or another since i was 10. i took a little break during my aac years, but the itch ALWAYS persisted. after a lay-off i found myself starting to miss being on a stage. it was funny, a couple of weeks ago, i was helping out at burbank for the philippine troupe of dances at burbank and the first thing i did when i got on stage, what i always do when i'm on ANY stage is stand downstage center and look into the empty seats and just had that "feeling." that feeling of what it's like to be in front of a crowd, no matter how big or small, and just act, sing, "dance", play an instrument... just that connection i have when i have their attention. but to be able to perform at a level that's my best. all of the hours of rehearsal. the exploration. all the initial thoughts of i'll never be able to pull this off culminates to this moment in time that can NEVER be duplicated. all of those emotions, thoughts, and hard work put into being on stage for others to see if you'll be able to take them to another place or wish they stayed home. that dichotomy is probably that thing that has always given me that itch.

strange as it is, i don't miss it though. maybe in a year or two. maybe when i'm able to shed more lbs. maybe if it's onstage with my best friends again. maybe. but now. no. instead, i want to put that focus on creating, and that's not a bad place to be at this time in my life.

my personal feelings aside, i will always be proud, supportive, and happy at seeing my friends, and family, continue to grace the place of where i've called home for over 20 years of my life... the stage.