struggle for happiness...

such a crazy time in my life. it's the last day of thinking about what i'm going to do. *sigh* i was @ borders last night going to my favorite section of the moment... the self-help section.

*** oh, here's a thing i do based on my beliefs - i wander. without getting religious, i let go and let the Great Spirit guide me to find what book/magazine/dvd/cd to look through. in this belief, i have the hope that whatever question is lingering on my mind will be answered in what i find. you never know. ***

so on this wandering, even though i knew my brain was searching for something about being happy, and i landing on a yellow cover which title yelled to me... "Why your life sucks... and what you can do about it." it was an interesting title, so i began to read it. on the first page, it started to tell a story about how a young jr. teacher walked into a classroom to give the new to the class that the regular professor will no longer be coming to class because he had taken his own life. that was a wake up call. it was the conclusion of the author that this person had ended his life because of the state of unhappiness.

that's a little extreme... but it made sense, and that's the scary thing, that someone can kill himself because of being sad. i've been kinda doing some research on the topic of suicide, and one thing i found is that one of the chief reasons why someone would off themselves is because they lose hope. hope that things will get better.

one of my favorite tv shows right now is called Pinoy Dream Academy: Season 2. a couple of episodes ago, the scholars were asked to do a personality examination on themselves to isolate what type of person they were. for instance, a leader, and stuff like that. i am happy to know that i pretty much fit the ARTIST personality. but not because of what you might thing. there was things listed as good and bad stuff about being such. the good is that i'm an artist and i learn to love by not only creating but to hopefully bring either joy or some sort of catharsis to those who see my work. the bad thing is something i'll always remember: artists can be depressed (aka moody) and SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. this can mean doing physical harm to oneself either by drinking, cutting, use of drugs or in my case, overeating. self-destructive.

i guess that's one of the reasons why i bought this book. to find happiness. to find hope.