after some thinking...

i'm not gonna quit on my dream of being a writer of plays. i was trying to sleep after i wrote my last blog, and just thought about all of the stories that i have trapped inside my head which i can see being performed live.

the performing and directing life i had... well, that's another story. but as always the case with me, never say never.

the new chapter...

Been thinking about this new chapter in my life that I'll be starting and even though, i'm excited about it, i'm sad that another one has to close. and i'm not just talking about "job" wise. i'm really thinking about how my life is going to change, because it has to. i'm sad that i can no longer do the things that i wanted to do and have considered my dream.

reality has crept in and it's telling me, "look, you've had your fun. you've accomplished so much in these past couple of years and experienced more than a lot of people, but it's time to settle down."

i guess what this is really boiling down to is that i don't want to be alone any longer. and i've had to face the fact that sub-consciously, i did want to be alone because i did have a dream to be a writer. i'm done being "wishy-washy" and it's time to grow up. i feel like robin william's character in Hook, when he realizes that he's no longer one of the lost boys... it's just time to move on.

i'm almost, good grief, 36, single, unemployed, and not happy with my body. i'm NOT depressed. on the contrary, i'm determined more than ever to change these things about me. i've just gotten a semi-offer from a company where i REALLY feel comfortable joining. i'll find out more definitely next week, but all the interviews, 4 and a half hours worth, have gone really well. different from the gap, but they are something i'm looking for. i'll let ya know...

on to other things, i want to meet someone i connect with and to honestly be in love with. one of the best things that i have experienced in this life was to be in love. i KNOW what that feels like, and no denying it because i was. true, i did fall out of it, but at least i know what it will feel like then next time i find it. and i know that this feeling will pale in comparison to when eventually i have a family, but that's something to look forward to. something i've yet, but yearn for, to experience.

====

so... i don't really know what i'm going to do about my play. right now, i don't see how i can be directly involved at this time. it's flattering to be asked, SOMETHING i've always wanted, but i really hope that a director can be found to make it happen. i'm done...

The Legend of the FIRST Barrel Men

hehe... teaser. but this is the short story i wrote on the flight back home. i'll revise this post after doing some checking on email matters :)

YA-TA! I'm back home :)

Don't get me wrong, I do love the warmth of HI, but i'm glad to be back home. Even more so, I'm stoked that I wrote a short story on the flight back home :) I'll post it in a bit... but i gotta TYPE it all first! ttyl!

Aloha means goodbye too...

well it's my last couple of hours here in Hawai'i and although, i can't wait to leave, at the same time, i am going to miss certain parts about this place like:

- walks along Kalakaua with all the shops, plus hearing the ocean at the side before it gets hecka busy
- time with the fam even though it does get stressful at times, but it wouldn't be a family if it didn't involve times of stress and bickering :)
- the weather... kinda. for the most part it has been a lot warmer here than back on the mainland, as the locals say, but there has also been a lot of showers here! like in the PI, sometimes, it just last for a couple of minutes and then dramatically stops. so, i got to witness one of my favorite rare moments of seeing rain and sun at the same time!

anyways, sorry for the short post, but i'll write more when i'm back HOME!

National Treasure 2 and other adventure movies

So, we went to the Consolidated Movie Theaters next to the Dave and Busters at the Ward Center to watch either The Great Debaters, I Am Legend, or National Treasure 2. By default, National Treasure 2 won cuz it was 11:00 and all the other movies was about an hour and a half wait. I was glad to watch this movie. I loved the first movie and loved this one too. As I mentioned on my post about watching the Borne Ultimatum on the flight here, I LOVE adventure/spy movies. and this compounded things cuz I love history, not just Fil-Am History, as well.

I'm still gonna watch the other movies listed cuz I haven't been in a movie watching mood lately, cuz i didn't feel like there was anything interesting until lately. Now to just find some other peeps to roll into the movie theater with :) but watching the movie has given me thoughts on new ideas for a play that i started a couple of weeks ago... which reminds me that i have to get back on the horse again and write!

Can't wait to get off this Island!!!

UPDATE: Alright, I know that this post can piss some people off cuz why should I have any complaints about being on a tropical island far away from the cold of home... well, this is just how I FEEL right now. I'm thankful to be here with my family, but... I'm bored! this is MY BLOG and I haven't really lied about any of my feelings or my thoughts and damned if I gonna start now. So, if it feels petty that I'm complaining, then I'm sorry that you're missing my point - this is what I'm feeling right at this second! "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."

Seriously?! Yeah. It's really not a big revelation to me that I'm just not a tropical, just sit back and relax kinda guy. Of course this depends where, cuz I've loved getting away to my Motherland of the PI and Palawan, but Hawaii's not just my speed. Again, I'll change my answer if I'm with the right person... but nonetheless, I'm a city guy. The city just fascinates me! The bigger the better... like NYC!!! I can't wait to get back there, which will be sooner than later.

Now here's some reasons that I can't wait to fly outta here:

- There's too many couples in love here! I switch back and forth, cuz honestly one of the things that makes me happy is seeing people in love, but it sucks even more when I don't have anyone to love. I know, I'm schizo that way, but I hope you feel me on this. When I see two people in love, there's just this aura/feeling around them that can't be denied and being in that energy is an amazing thing... and something I'd love to write about if not being in that feeling with someone else. And I've witnessed this loving feeling a lot here. I'm not hating on anyone, cuz a friend told me once that if I hated on them, then Karma will come back to me and I won't ever find someone.

- Not good to be a Big Guy in Waikiki. All I see here in tourist town is a whole bunch of skinny "SoCal Beach Dude" Looking guys here. Doesn't fair well for my self-esteem. However, I did say here in Waikiki. Anywhere else, where the locals hang out, then I feel right at home. Cuz it's like a Hang Loose attitude. Still though, it'd be nice to... well.

- I got sick 2 days ago! I don't really know what it was, but on Sunday, I got up, went on my speed walk along the beach on Kalakua and had a great time! Good heart rate and sweat going on. But then I took a quick shower and then went to get some breakfast from ABC. Got some eggs and ham for my sister and since they didn't have anymore, I got a curry thing. After eating that, I took a nap, and when I tried to wake up, my back hurted, i had a raging headache, and my tummy didn't feel right! Yup, stayed a whole day in Hawaii, in my room. My mom came to check on me and said that I had a fever even though I was freezing.

Luckily, it was just a 24-hour thing, cuz I woke up the next day feeling a 100% better. Go figure. Luckily, we didn't have anything planned, so the next day was spent at the Polynesian Cultural Center. Good times again!

- I have two interviews when I get back that I'm kinda stressing over! One's for a real estate website. I know not really my thing, but i think that I can contribute my experience to that company. The big plus is that it's really close to home in Emeryville. The other interview is with an advertising company. We'll see about that. So I can't wait to get back and get mentally prepared to get a job!

- And my last reason... can't wait to see my friends and family! I miss them terribly, and it just feels weird to be so far away from home on the holidays... just doesn't feel like the holidays.

Aloha!

Hey! I'm blogging from the Imperial of Waikiki Resort :) I'm here with my ma and sister and this is our second day here. so here's a little journal entry:

12/19
we had to leave the house by 5:30 am. bleh. hecka early, but was wide awake in the morning darkness. it was hecka cold outside and was ready for the tropical heat. anyways, the supershuttle picked us up and we picked up another rider in oakland. the shuttle had a gps system so that was cool to look at while we drove. anyways, they dropped us off in front of hawaiian airlines at 6:15. good timing. checked in, and went to gate 40 to wait for our flight. texted my v-town sister that we were on our way and she gave me some news which we talked about right before takeoff... YES!!!!

5 hour flight. saw the bourne ultimatum and was on the edge of my seat for the entire movie! i love those kinds of adventure/spy/whodunnit flix! had a chicken and rice breakfast/lunch. was okay. landed, took the shuttle to baggage claim, got our bags, and went to the taxi isle. not bad without getting a reservation or anything, the taxi lady hailed a limo to take us here. not bad. traffic was more crazy than i remember when i went here before.

dropped us off. $37 limo ride. i guess that isn't bad. we were early, so we just dropped off our bags and walked around the neighborhood. pretty swanky! we have awesome stores around us. boutiques, little shopping malls, as well as the international marketplace. all within a block from us. oh, they beach is a block away too! anyways, we went to this place called Shorebird Restaurant at the Outrigger. I don't know what happened, but i got the TREMENDOUS urge to drink. so i asked for what was on-tap, and in that adventurous mood, i got a local brew called a Longboard. Very soon, I asked for another... and another! Weeee... I was hecka buzzin with my mom and sister there to watch. It just felt like forever since i got that feelin'. Yes, I miss Joe Marty's! After stumbing back to the Imperial, I passed out, I mean, I took a nap. When we woke up, we took a nice long walk before turning in.

12/20
woke up hecka early, but was about 7:30 cali time so that was actually later than when i normally wake up. at any rate, me and ma walked a couple of miles on the cement path along waikiki beach. it was about 70 degrees at 7am hawaii time. for the first time, i was happy to be here. everything was just beautiful, and if you have a problem with a man saying beautiful, F You, cuz it was. the ocean was blue and surfers were out. beaches were empty. homeless people were still asleep in the park.

after a good hour of cardio and a shower, while they scheduled stuff to do, i went back to the owner's lounge (where i am now on the 27th floor of our bldng plus wireless internet) and had a couple of phone interviews. both went VERY well and scheduled a couple face-to-face interviews when i get back to the mainland! i'm still planning on sending more resume's out and we'll just have to see how that turns out.

after that, we caught a shuttle to Hilo Hatties where i bought some stuff to stuff a pinata with :)

i'm back in the owner's lounge, answering emails and jotting this stuff down to remember.

on tap:
- tonight, we're watching the younger set of the Society of Seven! hehe. can't wait til the 12th either to see the originals with Lani!!!
- tomorrow, snorkling at Hanauma bay... me not! hehe. i'm spoiled by my experience at El Nido.
- tomorrow night, hopefully a ghost tour! oh yeah!!!
- saturday, flea market at aloha stadium
- saturday night, not sure. maybe another ghost tour!
- sunday, i just want to WRITE!!!
- monday, polynesian cultural center
- tuesday, christmas... not sure yet
- wednesday, back home :)

ttyl

Being Happy

Lately, I've forgotten what it's like to be happy. However, I've had a great weekend with my family in Sac and I found my joy in the littlelest moments with them. So, here's just a couple of things of 'What does being happy mean to me?':

- laughing with friends
- being in front of an audience
- writing something that people understand and feel
- having a conversation with someone i care about deeply til the wee hours of the morning, either in a living room or in a car parked outside a house ;)
- being in rehearsals for ANYTHING
- being someplace I've never been before
- watching Gary V Live!
- seeing my friends HAPPY
- knowing that people care about me

I don't need an obscene amount of things that make me happy, cuz that's not the point of this. It's to recognize what is IMPORTANT to me and to never forget these things. If I do that, then all's gravy.

Apple's just not right... right now

I had my second interview with Apple today. I've been waivering about that job over the weekend given what happened this weekend in Sac (GOOD THINGS!) but I was just confused about my place still in this life, and something just didn't feel right. Basically, the job just didn't fit what I was looking for, and I had a great conversation with the manager and we both agreed. But he was hecka cool and sent my resume to someone else within the company.

But what I'm trying to say is that, I just have the feeling that if I did take this job, even though it didn't match me, I'd be making the same "mistake" that I made when I went to the Gap. Mistake not in the fact that I regret taking the job. It was a GREAT job and afforded me great opportunities to grow into a marketable person to find a stable job, but at the same time, I was looking at another job that would've taken me away from being what I want to be... a playwright. Last night, I had a great conversation with someone I considered like a second dad. I value his experience in life and I'm really lucky that he took the time to talk to me. Thank you. But he really pinned down what I should do and what would I be sacrificing by taking any job that comes next. I'm just glad that the interview went well and I didn't have to say that I didn't want to take the job because of X reason or another. It worked out. I'm still unemployed, however my direction is more defined and I'm more determined to go after what I want and what I need to do to get it. Quoting from a lyric from Legally Blonde, the musical... there's a Chip on My Shoulder... and I'm gonna be driven as hell!

ciao!

Time to get F*d up!

I can't. I don't know why? I have an excuse... but that's all it is an excuse. I've had SO MANY opportunities, but really haven't found a good reason to get obliterated. Let's see: i'm of age, i'm not "happy", i'm unemployed, and i have some savings from my vaca time i never took. forgive me, but these sound like GOOD TIMES ahead. but noooo... not a single urge. but why should I? or even want to?

let's break down the times when i did get beyond buzzed:
- after a show of STRUGGLING TRUTHS the cast and i went to this place downtown where i think i had 2 pitchers of Hefewiezen by myself and yacked on the street. thank sr_benedict for being there and taking care of me that night!

- my 21st. nuff said.

- Joe Marty's. i miss that place terrible!

- bj's after watching Horse Racing! first time with Mr. Daniels. smooth. Second time in my life when I've passed out on a floor.

- college parties on Palmer House.


so... here i am. unable to find, not only the need, but want to drink to excess anymore. i still love my occasional buzz, but i've lost the want to get F*d up! i know that all this is trivial, but still...

wtf? i'm random.

Taking Stock of the Market

right now, i'm in the waiting room of the "Monterey Peninsula Surgery Center" waiting for my mom to get out of a small procedure that she needs to get done. all's well though as this is part of a checkup. she asked the doctor if this was okay to do now cuz we're going on holiday on wednesday, and he said yes. so... i'm here.

had so much fun on Saturday with my extended family and band TAAL. i was asked to sit in with them and honestly i didn't want to at first. i came to the sad realiztion on thursday, after rehearsing with the band on wednesday night, that i no longer have the chops or THE EAR to play trumpet anymore. playing for the show was one thing, but to play for with my friends... well, that was more personal. i didn't want to suck because i love all of them so much! the members of this band have stuck with me through the hardest of times and we've celebrated the best of times, and the LAST thing i want to do is regret asking me to play with them. after a "talk" with the APEX of the band on thursday night, my shakey confidence was somewhat bolstered, but was still wavering. that changed after Friday's rehearsal. I felt more comfortable, and was made more at ease with my keyboard in tow to help me figure out my notes.

the gig itself was a blast! i've been thinking A LOT about my personal issues i've been going through alone lately as of which, one of those issues is what makes me happy. and seeing my friends ROCKING the Stockmarket and having FUN was honestly one of the happiest moments i can remember having. music is a wonderful thing... being able to make music that moves (literally) people is an AMAZING thing. i'm just tremendously honored to be a part of it.

my solo at the end sucked but i'm a creature of REHEARSAL which has been engrained im my head since high school, and i don't improvise... which wound up happening. i felt horrible after that and tried not to let it show, and kinda needed to get over it with some alone time. i eventually got over it by the next morning.

until next time... maybe?

Doing Stand-up at the Lai-Wah Pirate Den!

every now and again, i get a weird dream that feels SO INCREDIBLY real. like this...

I got asked to do stand-up at this chinese restaurant and i say yes. something happens before the gig and i have to pull out. i've been trying to contact the booker the whole day but things don't turn out. and it's weird cuz xle and her sister-in-law and my godchild are in it too. my lil sis was driving around campus and she picked me up and then i told her that i needed to stop by the restaurant first to iron things out cuz of the innate need to make things right. anyways, when i got into the restaurant, i was supposed to start my routine at 3pm and it was 3:20pm and i looked at the board of comedians, and my name was on top of the chalkboard but was erased rather hastily. there were other people's names on the list and there were like 12 other filipino comics, some i knew, some i didn't, like this guy mark aure, from the aac, who to my knowledge isn't a comedian, but he can hella draw! anyways, i finally got to talk to the manager who looked exactly like sftpaa past president and told her why i couldn't perform, like 20 minutes after i was supposed to be on stage. she just gave me this look of, not disappointment, but of hate! like i ate her baby or something. she said "get out" and to never set foot in her place again. Daymn Gina! of course i felt bad, but xle and family were waiting in the car, i HAVE NO IDEA where we are, cuz at first i thought we were at sac state cuz she was getting out of class, but then when we were driving out of the place, all i see were trees. i guess i was late too, cuz lil sis didn't even wait for me to get in the car before backing out of the parking space. she just backed out and i opened the moving car's door and jumped in. and for some reason i couldn't close my rear passenger side door so her-sister-in-law had to shut my door from hanging outside her front passenger door and slamming it shut. wtf? and when i looked into the bubbie's carseat, she wasn't in there, but she was standing next to it talking to herself as if she was in the carseat.

more details...
- the room where i was to do my routine in was in the back part of the restaurant overlooking the ocean
- the theme in the back was like a pirate theme cuz there was a pirate ship in the harbor... wtf? a pirate theme in a chinese restaurant?!?
- xle was running late too cuz she was looking for a jacket for sfsu lfs president... so random?!?
- there was this black couple wondering if they should eat at the restaurant so they were looking at the menu board and noticed the party in the back and were commenting on the pirate ship.
- i looked at the board where they had a sheet of entertainers. it was in an excel spreadsheet, and my name was still there. beside it were the things i would be comped for like 2 free dinners and 2 cocktails. just made me feel worse, cuz none of the other performers were getting comped
- i was supposed to host a video on a subject i had never heard of before, something scientific... and i was supposed to do stand-up for AND I DON'T DO STAND-UP!!! maybe one day... IF I WAS FUNNY!
- on the board was a list of all the parties that were going to be in that room, and each of them were very random. like there was a group for the kiwanas, another was a family reunion. and all the comedians were filipinos. that was weird too, i didn't see any filipina comedians...
- there was a photoshoot happening at the restaurant too with real models and big fans and stuff... wtf?
- before seeing sftpaa past president, i was watching some other comedians rehearse. i don't remember any of their jokes, just them rehearsing in an open room with chairs in front of them on a mic. the room looked like the studio's.
- xle was driving an ivory-colored OLDER mercedez benz which was a stickshift

it's 6:30am right now... and for this whole dream felt real! actually, it's been a long while that i can even remember any of my dreams, cuz with my memory as it is when i'm awake? fugghedaboutit! i know myself well enough that if i just waited another couple of hours to fully wake up, i would've forgotten all this silliness. now to try and make sense of whatever was floating in my noggin at the point of slumber!

loser...

just finished looking at some pics from BindleBall 2007. feeling kinda bummed that i didn't go. just one of the times when i wished that i could split myself into 2 and be at two places at the same time! sucks...

one of the reasons that i wanted to be part of bindlestiff was to become a part of something here. and this event was just one of them. i guess i wanted the same feeling that i have with my family up in sac, and with the last couple of shows that i've done with them, i did get that feeling. but then again, when i was up in sac getting ready for the show, i just felt like i was back home.

to do list...

now that i'm unemployed, what the heck am i gonna do now?!

- exercise!!! feelin' so not good!
- write. wasn't in the right state of mind... but now i am.
- budget. i'm putting off a major trip until summer when it's warmer!
- work on my portfolio. at least document all the work i've done with GOL.
- apply apply apply... but be in a good spot to be picky :)
- clean. messy house :/
- save $$$. not so much good times at tvc or cache creek yesterday!
- find a ride to the airport for the 19th. aloha!
- finish paying some bills!

al fin

Finished our run of Sinag-tala 2007. As always, the show came together. Someway, somehow... it did. This was the first time in a long while where i didn't feel like i was part of the cast, which is different, but at the same time really cool, cuz i was with THE BAND! before our last show on sunday, i sat in the audience, all by myself, for some reflection time and to THANK GOD for giving me this chance in life to be with my FAMILY doing something I love to do. i also needed to thank Him for Blessing me with the talent and drive I, and my FAMILY, have been given to make this show happen.

so i sat there in the 10th row thinking about all the times i was on that stage. a lot of good memories replayed. about all of my theater dreams took place on a Sinag-tala stage: sang, played drums while bj played the kulintang for the tiboli suite, acted, danced, directed, wrote, sang backup, built part of the set, opened the show... and finally played with the band. but there's STILL more things i want to do: work backstage, stage manage, write a 5-10 minute play for the show, run the spotlight, direct more, and it'd be cool to have another solo. i kinda got the itch to be up there again, even though i've said time and time again that i'll never want to be there, cuz i never thought i was good enough and sometimes, i felt like why? why me? how did i ever get to be this LUCKY to be here on the most awesomest place on earth - a darkened stage with a spotlight in front of an audience. and when i thought about it some more, it just deepened my faith. not only in God, which will never cease, but also my faith in these talented people on that stage and in Uncle Sonny for keeping this going. i'm just amazed.

i got asked about something at the VIP reception. it's about something that i haven't thought about in a couple of months, but come February or March... it's ON! i'll write about it more later when things look more concrete. i don't wanna jinx anything now.