the new chapter...

Been thinking about this new chapter in my life that I'll be starting and even though, i'm excited about it, i'm sad that another one has to close. and i'm not just talking about "job" wise. i'm really thinking about how my life is going to change, because it has to. i'm sad that i can no longer do the things that i wanted to do and have considered my dream.

reality has crept in and it's telling me, "look, you've had your fun. you've accomplished so much in these past couple of years and experienced more than a lot of people, but it's time to settle down."

i guess what this is really boiling down to is that i don't want to be alone any longer. and i've had to face the fact that sub-consciously, i did want to be alone because i did have a dream to be a writer. i'm done being "wishy-washy" and it's time to grow up. i feel like robin william's character in Hook, when he realizes that he's no longer one of the lost boys... it's just time to move on.

i'm almost, good grief, 36, single, unemployed, and not happy with my body. i'm NOT depressed. on the contrary, i'm determined more than ever to change these things about me. i've just gotten a semi-offer from a company where i REALLY feel comfortable joining. i'll find out more definitely next week, but all the interviews, 4 and a half hours worth, have gone really well. different from the gap, but they are something i'm looking for. i'll let ya know...

on to other things, i want to meet someone i connect with and to honestly be in love with. one of the best things that i have experienced in this life was to be in love. i KNOW what that feels like, and no denying it because i was. true, i did fall out of it, but at least i know what it will feel like then next time i find it. and i know that this feeling will pale in comparison to when eventually i have a family, but that's something to look forward to. something i've yet, but yearn for, to experience.

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so... i don't really know what i'm going to do about my play. right now, i don't see how i can be directly involved at this time. it's flattering to be asked, SOMETHING i've always wanted, but i really hope that a director can be found to make it happen. i'm done...