family

i went to my neighboring city of oakland to see my family perform. it was a kinda weird feeling to not be performing. i did a little narration, but it's not the same as being on stage. hmmm... just flashed in my mind the time i was on stage singing "hanggang sa muli" that moment on stage was the greatest in my life, and i swore, i milked that feeling for all it was worth. i cherished those 3 nights for that number.

sorry, back to tonight, i just wanted to flashback. tonight was fun though. i am SO PROUD of everyone who performed... and honestly, so PROUD of everyone who has been associated with this group. i know that i've written this in here before - my philosophy of life is to leave behind a LEGACY. and everyone who has been a part of this group of performers has done this.

most of tonight was actually spent shadowing USA. ...just trying to learn as much as possible about what he needed and how he worked with new people in getting what he wanted. there was a lot of new words that i haven't heard before and i don't remember what they were because it was lighting terminology. i don't know how he does it without going bonkers though. i'd lose my mind. everyone was amazing! funny thing is that, you know when you've been doing something long enough, something just clicks when you just go on automatic pilot and you don't think twice about doing something. it becomes natural. the bad part about "going on automatic" is that sometimes, you forget to cherish the fact that you're doing what God has intended for you to do. i'm doing this a lot lately, and sometimes step back to APPRECIATE the time i'm on stage. it's a pretty deep feeling and something i never want to take lightly.

going down memory road - i remember stretching backstage with bj before playing the percussion for tiboli suite. looking at the amazing artists as we entered the stage the LAST time i step on stage for 'hanggang sa muli'. changing pants in a hallway behind the theater at city college... you know i could keep going, but i'll stop here. just A LOT of GOOD TIMES. the twist with this whole thing, is that these artists have become my FAMILY.

better go. pretty long day.

a Saturday in Marina

hi. i'm home in marina right now. gad it sux to be so busy as most of my friends are. actually that's a great thing...

yesterday was spent "spring cleaning" the garage. actually it was a trip down memory lane for me and my mom. i found a lot of things that i forgot about. my mom found old clothes that me and my sister wore when we were small. my mom would find my lil shoes and then i'd ask if she'd sell it, she's having a garage sale next weekend, and she said NO, IT'S A SOUVENIER. hehe. but yeah, lot of boxes to sift through.

friday was a half-day at work since my team is moving up to the 3rd floor of the company building. i'll have a pretty good view of the bow-and-arrow, the bay bridge, and the bay. that'll be my daydream mode when i'm not busy.

speaking of which, i'm on 2 projects right now. it's cool to do something that's outside the norm for me. especially the prototype that i'm working on in Flash. thinking about the kind of work i expected to do after graduating from college and this is exactly it. i'm just praying that everything works out ok, especially when it goes in front of the users groups! testing is supposed to take place in sac and at work.

i got another email from shelby. pssshhh. hell to the nah that i'm replying to it! i'm done.

oh, yeah, thursday night, i got a pretty good buzz on at a going-away party for a person on our ct team. went to this little boutique in north beach. went up to the 2nd floor to discover all these cushions, beds, pillows, and curtains. uhhhh... is this what i think it is? yup. it's a swingers club. OMG! i've only heard about places like this. ewww!

back to friday night! went up to sac to watch my lil sis do her thang! was fun again! the cast was amazing as usual... especially her! inspiring!

better get going. i have my workshop today. we'll be working with video projections today which is kinda my specialty and hope to learn some things to take into ST. speaking of which, there's talks about using the 24th street theater for ST. as i said, it's just talk and nothing official, but it'd be cool to have it there. have a longer run. because of the more intimate closeness to the audience, maybe the sound issues won't be as bad as it has been in previous years. i'm still not doing the show... but never ever say never... especially with ST. it's still home and always family. :)

An Asian Am Nation

Way back
to the yes yes y'alls
when i tagged bathroom stalls and my brother had new wave posters wall
to wall

I dreamt of the times they dropped Agent Orange and called it Kool Aid
bound our feet and called it first aide

Woke up into a spirit rotation, a soul inflation: the Asian Persuasion
Asian my orientation, Asian American my nation
wanted to kick specifics about being Asian pacific
but they taxed my syntax/orientalized my oriental eyes
and blinded me with Full Metal Jacketed lies

While overseas/policies/let bygones become icons
on desktops/double click to open windows/into sweatshops
tried to get out but the doors were Jessica McLint-locked

Never the mellow yellow but rather yelled and bellowed
at those white fellows whoknocked me down
but i got back the fuck up again
coaxed by folk hymns, dead ringer for the revolution
leaving behind the brainwashed contusions,
red white and blue confusions
in a nation of computer generated illusions

They offered fame contracts/complete with blue contacts
assimilationisht hot dish/slit skin and split my ancestor's bones for a wish
buried our history under haunted trees
taught self hate by their taunts of Chinese Japanese dirty knees

They want to halt our progress
but we left 'em behind cuz we got more sides than a stop sign
unwind tongues/rewind time/to study our story and sing this song
with sloppy mathematics calculate the ragged ratio
of this yellow braggadocio and blow the speakers to their stereo/types
Hai Ba Trung delegated to a ching chong pantheon
but we castrate and bat around their white balls cuz we the ping pon
champions
so fuck their Buddha boxes and Bindi kits:
fake ass renditions of our anceint cultural traditions
we reclaim, remind, retwist our minds
for our persistence of resistance
this thing called us/flush/bullshit to flourish/nourish
like riche ciphers/decipher/cropped tongues from here to trife times
with truth rhymes/our wind chime choruses/forming audible life lines/
we recite/overturn/with vocal overtures

Asian American anthem
beyond Suzie Wong and Hop Sing bows
I'm singing for ya'll/so can ya hear me now
this is for my people who got turned down
but refused to yield
for Hawaii sun swear in sugar cane fields
for sisters pissed at Ling on Ally McBeal
for my brothers who stay strong without the steel
for those not on their knees from slipping on their own
banana peels
brainwashed colorblind
pushed aside
for culture pride

They can't evade this Asian American invasion
Yellow Nation
made up of crews rollin in Isuzus
with the buddhist trinkets ya mama gave you
hanging from the rearview
they call us slant-eyes
but we're clear view
and they're see thru
Dont be fooled, ya'll.

When will they learn?
The only time they see the light
is when their houses burn
Yellow Nation
time to
get up
wake up
stand up
make up
take up
lash out
strike out
make out
break
out

- - Thien-Bao Thue Phi

Grad school not for me

Yesterday, I went to grad school orientation. Learned about the school, but not really since i spent 4 years and $40,000 there. but i learned a couple of things about the program. in short, the cost/benefit for me to go there isn't a huge factor for me to go. maybe, i still have to do more research on what i want to do... with the rest of my life. yup, i ain't done growing :)

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I forgot to take a picture of my puppet! :*( daymn! in visual theater workshop, mia and i made cool paper puppets. everyone already made theirs last week. it was okay and the others made their puppets walk around the studio and play soccer. hehe. then after that, Ramon, talked to us about other materials we could use, like foam and tips on how to shape our puppets. then we put on a pair of little plays around a couple of scenarios. i was the narrator for our group and it went well. i just followed what my actors were doing with their puppets and it became funny... was alright i guess.

Feelin' Dirrrty

feels like i haven't written in here in a while. just got back from the Christina concert! AMAZING! one of the best "big production aka expensive" concerts that i've seen in a long time. but then again, i really haven't been to a stadium concert in a while. totally better than the AI concerts i've been too. the videos were awesome. lighting - spectacular. dancing - incredible. singing - shit, it's christina! on top of that, Danity Kane and the PUSSY CAT DOLLS performed. daymn! i didn't even know that they were the opening acts. hitting rewind - marilou got tix from work. she said that there were FIFTY pairs still left at around 3pm today for the 7:30pm concert. it helps that we live 15 minutes away from the oakland arena. seats were far but still in the lower level. didn't matter, they were FREE! had fun.

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putting this fun in reverse... on monday, i got an email from michelle asking me to get together at our old house in the city with her family. looks like the family has finally sold the house on clipper and they wanted to get together before turning over the keys on sunday. the funny thing is that in her email, she said that if it was an awkward situation for me, then i can come in the morning and then she can go there in the afternoon. F* THAT! awkward my ass. damnit, i'm tired. i'm done. for the first time in a while, i haven't thought about her in months because i've been so busy taking care of my own shtuff and then i get this email. honestly, i thought about it because one, i do miss her family and two, maybe it'd provide me with "closure". Closure? thinking about things lately, it's not closed, it's buried. i wrote in my play about a guy who has a choice between erasing the memories he had with his ex or remembering the good times he had with her. That's for the character, R.J. - for me, right now, i WISH i could forget those memories. maybe, like a hans christian andersen novel, i will. and as weird as this sounds, it's not to be mean. it's to move on. and for the most part, I AM. finally am. my quote of the moment - "if i don't keep moving forward, i'll be stuck." a derivation from a quote from "And the dream goes on..." but true, and that's what i've been doing. for the first time in a long time, i really feel alive, like the way i felt artistically before i met her. and it's just now, 10, 11, years later that i have that "spunkiness" back. finally.

this sounds hella selfish, but for those who really know me, i barely do things for just me. it's my fatal flaw - i would take a bullet for certain people, and nothing's gonna change that - but in terms of finally doing something for me feels good for once. i have so much that i NEED to accomplish before this candle is blown out and i don't want to waste any more time. only thing is age cuz i can't stay up as late as i used to, but for the time my eyes are willing to stay open, i want my mind and my soul to be open as well.

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i'm starting to get worried that i'm getting too used to going places by myself. sure, i can think of it as being independent, but... for example, i went to a play last night called "One-man Star Wars Trilogy" which was basically one guy retelling Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi on a stage by himself. not even any props. just him, his different voices, cool lights and memories of what the audience remembers about the movie which apparently is still a lot judging from the response. it was hella funny. back to being... alone. i'm fine going places and seeing things on my own but just worried that i'm getting too used to it. especially when i looked around me last friday at the 24th Street Theater and noticed that i was the ONLY one there by myself. sorry... had a twinge of kawawa.

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ever since the writing workshop i went to a couple of weeks ago, i've been studying and taking in the power of a word. "poetry is a dictionary's playground" i love the playfulness of words and their multiple meanings. i don't know why i never got into it before. poems are so beautiful. i'm starting to fall in love with certain words and their meanings like "pregnant" and "oceans" to name a few. i picked up a book of poems by pablo neruda. reasons being, jason mateo, the facilitator of the workshop said that he looks at that book and his words as his inspiration. for a mad spoken word artist who has a map of san francisco tatooed on his tongue so that the words he spits out will always from home, i wondered how a poet from long ago, much less poetry written in spanish, can make that much of an impact on someone. needless to say, reading just a line of a neruda poem, re-reading, and re-reading again to become drunk off the meaning's behind the line is an amazing catharsis.

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thanks for your time.

A Poem for Lola

I'm off to the library to work on my play again, but before i go, I wanted to put this up. I never knew both of my Grandmothers but I felt compelled to write this based on the events of last week. This is a shorter version because I didn't weigh down LISA's dialogue and rhythm within the scene. Also, I'm not a poet. I actually gave up writing poetry since one of my poems got rejected by Maganda Magazine. All wasn't a loss since one of my artworks got published.

Dedicated to my lolas, to LeRoid and xLe's grandma who recently passed (I pulled some of these lines from the eulogies heard), to my Smokey Joe Sister's Granny whom i never met, but I know how much of an impact she made on her, to Francisca Balderama, the closest lola that I've ever had without the blood relation, thank you. And all the lola's who've made a difference to their grandchildren.

R.J.
You can't just jump in and say that there's something wrong with what I wrote and not give tell me how I can fix it.

LISA
I guess that wouldn't be right, would it? Alright… let me get this straight, Jasen's grandmother is on her death bed, right?

R.J.
Right... his Lola, just in case you didn't...

LISA
Riiight. And he's trying to tell her how much she means to him?

R.J.
Right. Also, can you add in the dancing stuff since he's in the Modern Dance segment and he really wanted that in his monologue?

LISA
You're not making it easy on me, are you?

R.J.
Nope.

LISA
Okay...

Lola, I know that you can hear my voice between the ever growing silence between each inhale… and exhale you take.
Please listen to my words of praise and thank yous for everything that you have given me.
From the time I first heard the stories of how you hid in the hills with your children in tow
As strangers invaded our land of golden sunsets and fragrant sampaguitas… again
Protector of my mother and uncle when you moved to a new land of velvet fogged-in mornings and cable cars that went up and down California Street
To the one who helped raise me and my brother
to know wrong from wrong and
right from right
to left to right to left
and back again
the dance steps you taught me from the Jitterbug to La Jota to the Tinikling
of bamboo polls that still resonate from my ears to my core
click click clap
click click CLAP!
I snap out of my trance Lola, when I hear your voice call out to me, “Did you eat yet?”
And before I could even get out the words, “I'm fine, Grandma.”
A plate of Rice and Diniguan is placed before me
Which is made with the recipe, of not chocolate meat, which we Should Not try to pass off as a euphemism to ignorant Western palettes
But made with the special ingredient that only YOU can provide - Your Love
Because of you
I know what love is
Because of you
I know what strength is
Because of you, Grandma
I know the importance of taking the time to take in the essence of a rose with a single breath
To take in the essence of life and how to live it
With each Step
I Take
In Dance
In YOUR HONOR
Dahil Sa Iyo, Lola
Alam ko na kung sino ako
Salamat po at
Mahal kita

3 days. 3 cemeteries.

long weekend. 3 days. 3 cemeteries. 1 funeral. many tears fell.

on thursday, i went my lil sister's grandma's viewing. after having that moment of deja vu walking through the front doors, i looked to my right and saw plants behind a window. i don't remember that. xle said the same thing. it was a very surreal experience being back there. i felt guilty for having these feelings though. i shouldn't because i was supposed to be there for my family, and i was, but there were just those feelings again. hard feelings. and then when sis sung "walang hanggang paalam" of course i lost it. i again felt bad because of 2 years ago, and those feelings should've been left at the door, even though it was at the same place. i'm sorry. oh yeah, when fatima sung, an earthquake struck. a mild jolt was all, but it left me with wonder. i heard someone ask, "was that an earthquake?" oh, i also didn't remember the hallway being so long. good food. after the viewing, a bunch of us went to visit bitoy that late night. I was in awe as Auntie Letty talked about her mom's anting-anting. I don't really know much about the subject, but my imagination really went crazy for a new play.

friday. same deja vu feeling again. it was different because now it was at the same church as it was 2 years ago. that time was really all a blur. a bad dream. but as i sat there, i had flashbacks of where everyone was sitting, but again, it didn't feel real. the eulogies were very well done. i took in every word and emotion that were said to commemorate the LIFE of Sinfarosa Piamonte. (xle, please let me know if I misspelled your lola's first name. If i did, I'm really sorry. Most of the time, she was referred to Sister Rose.) But yeah, i took a lot from that experience. Then off to Skyview. Got kinda lost behind the traffic, but found my way there ok. another cemetery. :( she's at a nice location. sad. the reception was nice too. i'm always down for buffet. from someone, who doesn't have a big family, it's nice to see another family have fun with each other.

after the funeral and reception, drove up to sac to see my SIS perform in Smokey Joe's Cafe! funny, all this time, i've been calling it SMOKIN' Joe's Cafe, hehe. i didn't realize it until i saw it up in lights above the drummer. nice little theater on 24th in Sac. Wish i caught the King and I there. anyways, i LOVED the show. hecka cute! it was really nice seeing our NAG doing something different and fun! her LONG THICK WHITE BOA cracked me up! i kept praying that she wouldn't inhale a feather as one got frighteningly close to her mouth as she sang one of her solos. please, please, please, was all i kept saying. i'm just so PROUD of her :) i couldn't stay long since i had to leave early the next morning for home.

saturday, went home to help my mom get things ready for sunday for my dad's 2 year anniversary. took time out later that day to drive around monterey. wound up in PG overlooking a cliff watching the sunset. was a nice night, and something worth doing since days fly by faster and faster with each sunrise. i wrote a poem for a lola. it was inspired by the eulogies for LeRoid's lola. I'm adapting it for a "spoken word" piece for Lisa, a character in my play. It rounds her character out more and also puts more emphasis on what i need - the audience needs to love her as much as R.J. does. so that's what i've been working on too.

sunday. mass and then another cemetery. it was a really nice day in monterey. as i stood over my dad, i looked west to the ocean. peaceful like. looks like they're gonna add more plots next to my dad. i forgot to mention that the day before, when i was in monterey, i went to fisherman's wharf. i parked there and remembered the spot where my dad would take me fishing. right here on the rail when i was in middle and high school. we'd cut squid on the railing and showed me how to cast from that spot. i remember fishing late at night this one time when there were at least 50 people on that people fishing for makerel. didn't even need bait. they just grabbed hook and reel em in. good times. good times.

take care yalls.