Feelin' Dirrrty

feels like i haven't written in here in a while. just got back from the Christina concert! AMAZING! one of the best "big production aka expensive" concerts that i've seen in a long time. but then again, i really haven't been to a stadium concert in a while. totally better than the AI concerts i've been too. the videos were awesome. lighting - spectacular. dancing - incredible. singing - shit, it's christina! on top of that, Danity Kane and the PUSSY CAT DOLLS performed. daymn! i didn't even know that they were the opening acts. hitting rewind - marilou got tix from work. she said that there were FIFTY pairs still left at around 3pm today for the 7:30pm concert. it helps that we live 15 minutes away from the oakland arena. seats were far but still in the lower level. didn't matter, they were FREE! had fun.

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putting this fun in reverse... on monday, i got an email from michelle asking me to get together at our old house in the city with her family. looks like the family has finally sold the house on clipper and they wanted to get together before turning over the keys on sunday. the funny thing is that in her email, she said that if it was an awkward situation for me, then i can come in the morning and then she can go there in the afternoon. F* THAT! awkward my ass. damnit, i'm tired. i'm done. for the first time in a while, i haven't thought about her in months because i've been so busy taking care of my own shtuff and then i get this email. honestly, i thought about it because one, i do miss her family and two, maybe it'd provide me with "closure". Closure? thinking about things lately, it's not closed, it's buried. i wrote in my play about a guy who has a choice between erasing the memories he had with his ex or remembering the good times he had with her. That's for the character, R.J. - for me, right now, i WISH i could forget those memories. maybe, like a hans christian andersen novel, i will. and as weird as this sounds, it's not to be mean. it's to move on. and for the most part, I AM. finally am. my quote of the moment - "if i don't keep moving forward, i'll be stuck." a derivation from a quote from "And the dream goes on..." but true, and that's what i've been doing. for the first time in a long time, i really feel alive, like the way i felt artistically before i met her. and it's just now, 10, 11, years later that i have that "spunkiness" back. finally.

this sounds hella selfish, but for those who really know me, i barely do things for just me. it's my fatal flaw - i would take a bullet for certain people, and nothing's gonna change that - but in terms of finally doing something for me feels good for once. i have so much that i NEED to accomplish before this candle is blown out and i don't want to waste any more time. only thing is age cuz i can't stay up as late as i used to, but for the time my eyes are willing to stay open, i want my mind and my soul to be open as well.

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i'm starting to get worried that i'm getting too used to going places by myself. sure, i can think of it as being independent, but... for example, i went to a play last night called "One-man Star Wars Trilogy" which was basically one guy retelling Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi on a stage by himself. not even any props. just him, his different voices, cool lights and memories of what the audience remembers about the movie which apparently is still a lot judging from the response. it was hella funny. back to being... alone. i'm fine going places and seeing things on my own but just worried that i'm getting too used to it. especially when i looked around me last friday at the 24th Street Theater and noticed that i was the ONLY one there by myself. sorry... had a twinge of kawawa.

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ever since the writing workshop i went to a couple of weeks ago, i've been studying and taking in the power of a word. "poetry is a dictionary's playground" i love the playfulness of words and their multiple meanings. i don't know why i never got into it before. poems are so beautiful. i'm starting to fall in love with certain words and their meanings like "pregnant" and "oceans" to name a few. i picked up a book of poems by pablo neruda. reasons being, jason mateo, the facilitator of the workshop said that he looks at that book and his words as his inspiration. for a mad spoken word artist who has a map of san francisco tatooed on his tongue so that the words he spits out will always from home, i wondered how a poet from long ago, much less poetry written in spanish, can make that much of an impact on someone. needless to say, reading just a line of a neruda poem, re-reading, and re-reading again to become drunk off the meaning's behind the line is an amazing catharsis.

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thanks for your time.