Grrr....

I'm still WIDE AWAKE! not good. especially if i plan to wake up at 7. for realz, i thought that coffee was to keep one awake was a myth. but low and behold, it's not! just drove back from sac after a productive day of blowin' my horn. hehe. of course, there's still stuff i have to work on, but i had a really good day today. it's been a long while.

so i got home and watched a new episode of quarterlife. what's weird about the show and my reaction to it, is that it feels so familiar and in a strange way i truly look at it as... well... old. maybe not the right word. mature. this episode had to do with unrequited love, which i talked about in my last blog. but i guess i'm looking back at it as a 20-something. it's so strange being in my mid-thirties now. i honestly feel like i'm in my 20's still, but at the same time, i'm glad that i'm not there anymore. and i'm glad i'm not too jaded about it nor very nostalgic. i guess mature in the way that i can look back at what was portrayed and say, yeah that happened to me and i felt exactly the same as they did back then, but i'm over it.

kinda like when i broke up with my first girlfriend, jennifer o'hara. yup that's her name. it was traumatic at the time. i was i think 17. and i remember her telling me that it was over because she fell for someone else, one of, i thought a really good friend. WTF!? and this so called friend left his girlfriend for jennifer and that friend was one of my really close friends that i've known since the 6th grade! man did that hurt. holy crap! i felt like the world ended! i hecka cried. that sucked. and i lived with that heartache for so long. and even though that happened, i'm glad that it did. it was my first time i had my heart broken. at that point in my life, i never experienced pain like that. but the thing is, i'm glad that i went through that "pain". and i write pain in quotes cuz, to be honest, the greatest pain i've ever experienced is hearing that one of my best friends die one morning. everything kinda pales in comparison.

grrr... i lost my thought. oh yeah, why i'm glad that i got my heart broken. well, i guess it's because i was just glad to get that out of the way. and really, the only time i broke-down over my breakup with michelle was when i drove down to san diego and this stupid song by american idol winner Ruben Studdard came on the radio with a lyric that went something like, i'm happy that i get to see the sun rise in your eyes, or something like that. cuz that's how i felt when i looked into her eyes in the morning when we'd wake up. but after that... true i kinda felt after 9 years together it was hard to let go, especially with the friendship part, but that changed after i told myself honestly, that i wish her all the happiness that life has to offer her, cuz she truly deserves it. and damnit, i do too. :)

i brought these points up with these people just because they are the longest "relationships" i've had. 2 and 9 years respectively. being more "mature" has actually made me want more than a relationship per se... i'm just looking to connect with someone. where i can be real with her. and for the first time in a long while, i'm finally happy to say that i'm being real with me.

well so much for a blog written at 2 in the morning. i'll read this blog one day. shake my head and say "what was i smokin'? cuz this didn't make sense." at least, i'm staying true to my blog's title... the Randomness of Tropa23.

The Truth

So i just finished watching a couple of episodes of this show on the net called "quarterlife". So this feels like the movie Singles, but this is updated to include a the main character who is a blogger. The reason that i haven't finished watching the rest of the episodes, i stopped on ep.3, was because of a topic that i couldn't let go of and i needed to get out of my system - telling the truth and saying how you feel. it's not a big shock that this is a problem that i've dealt with my whole life. i don't know why, but hopefully instead of knowing that this is my pattern, i'm starting to do something about it. and again, i have to credit some really good friends who have been honest with me and told me that this IS what i do.

i think my turning point in this whole revelation of me, is that i'm leaving my job. and it's because i'm being true to myself. i felt disrespected and needed to make a stand. but in leading to this point, i really lost myself.

which leads me to the show "quarterlife" and two of its scenes:

1) this guy named Jed is in love with his best friend's girlfriend. ouch. needless to say that this has happened to me. but very unlike me, jed told her, but this was only because, the main character, dylan, posted on her blog that "there's nothing sadder than to be in love with your best friend's girlfriend". the scene was so good in that when jed was trying to actually tell her that he liked her, he initially went around and around in circles, until he stopped to clear his head of all the cluttered words coming out of his mouth and straight up said... i like you. all she did was kiss him on the cheek, said thank you, and left the room. wish i could've been able to do that... not kiss some guy and leave the room, but to tell the woman that liked that i liked here. the romantic in me liked how this scene ended. open questions for future episodes. actually, pretty recently, i've had this situation come up again. but this time, i did say something. unfortunately, things didn't come out fairytale-ish. but the important thing was that i said something. to not at least have another thing i didn't regret not doing.

2) dylan blogged about jed: "the thing about jed is he really is an artist. and i don't know many people our age who are. and i know he won't be happy unless he pursues that." lately, i haven't been feeling very artisty. meaning, i'm not very happy right now with where i am as an artist. it might be because of the lousy critiques i got from my last short play. but whatever it is, i've lost that spark. but i know i still got it somewhere. hope to find it on thursday when i wake up... unemployed.

on to watching the rest of the episodes :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful for my mom and my sister, Marilou. I'm thankful for my dad and my uncle for bringing my dad here or actually for getting my dad into the Navy so that I'm able to be here in this awesome, but sometimes flawed country. I love this country to be honest with ya. I mean, we really are fortunate to live here... screwed up at times but at least we do have some freedoms, like being able to say whatever I want to say on here.

I'm also VERY THANKFUL for the awesome friends, whom I consider my family, too! Without them I'm nothing, so I'm thankful to be something :o)

It's been a while since I've written in here so here's a little update since the last time. Welps, after my tirade on my blog "Mad... dissappointed... hurt" I've put in my two weeks notice last, last monday. I'm sure it came as a shock to everyone at work, but it's something that I felt I NEEDED to do for me. It was just the thing that happened with the 10th birthday thing just pushed me over the edge and realized that, yeah! i am worth something more than I guess they think I am. so, i'm in this transition period where i'm writing EVERYTHING that is crammed in my head from these last almost 2 years as a lead/manager. there's so much! at any rate, it was nice to have some peeps give me different options and basically try to talk me out of leaving. but i stood my ground and said no.

funny thing about realizing my self-worth. i just never knew that i would be at a point in my life where, not only did it come to question, but to where i actually did something about it. i quit. straight up. and the thing is i didn't quit for quitting sake, i quit to take back a part of me. a really good friend told me that, while i was staying at work til 8pm AGAIN, that i was married to my job. believe me, i'd love to be married right now, but definitely not to my job! and that's what it was feeling like. i missed being able to do things when i didn't have that much responsibility. when i didn't have to be the one to solve everyone's problems. it is nice to be needed, but there's also another thing about being recognized for the sacrifices i've made... when that stops coming, then i felt that i was reduced to a person just working for a paycheck. that's fine and dandy if i had bigger plans for my career and just thought of these sacrifices as a stepping stone, but i've already paid my dues. i've worked every holiday in college and weekends and nights. i've worked at a job when i'd have to wake up at 4am to open a store. i've lost a relationship because i was busy trying to build a career. that was my bad, but that was my stupid choice, but deep down i made.

the point is, i'm grateful for all the experience and knowledge i've learned at gap.com. without that, i don't think that i'd be as confident in finding another job, which i am. so i wasn't worried about just leaving something without a backup plan - which i don't. but i can't wait when i get up to sac on thursday knowing that another chapter of my life has closed and i'm ready to open up another page in my life... beginning with being with the people who mean the world to me. that's what i'm thankful for!

Fine! Another one

Real quick: I remember back in the day, well a couple of years ago, wait, it's 2007 now?, okay more than a few years ago, me and some of my friends would ALWAYS do these surveys, and we'd bounce back in our emails from our previous jobs survey after survey! it was just fun to see who'd do the survey's first and send it out... now we have these blogs to post them up on. hmmm... just reminiscing. yun lang. and on to the survey!

====

This is called “FIRST REACTIONS QUIZ”. You have to type the 1ST thing that comes to mind whenever you hear these 35 things. You can’t think and go back and change your answers.
TIP: erase all of the other person’s answers…

Here we go:

1. Beer:
Guiness. My current favorite!

2. McDonalds:
Fries

3. Relationships:
Something worth working at.

4. Purple:
Rain

5. Power Rangers:
Might Morphin'

6. Weed:
Without getting anyone in trouble... a smokey room!

7. Steroids:
Barry Bonds.

8. Cartoons:
Huckleberry Hound

9. The President:
Bill Clinton

10. Tupperware:
Parties... wonder if they still have these?

11. Florida:
Orlando

12. Santa Claus:
Red

13. Halloween:
The thriller video by kits aka xcreativexsoulx (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sORpDbRGUI) HAHA!

14. Alice:
in wonderland

15. Grammar:
School

16: Myspace:
Eh...

17. Clowns:
Scare Me!!!

18. Marriage:
one day

19. Paris:
Eiffel Tower

20. Pat:
Sajak

21. Redheads:
Don't know too many...

22. Blondes:
Legally

23. Pass the:
Test

24. One night stands:
Avenue Q

25. Donald Trump:
Hair

26. Neverland:
Ranch

27. Pixie:
Dust

28. Vanilla ice cream:
Vanilla Ice

29. Hooters:
hehe

30. High school musical:
The song that Vanessa sings to Troy on the bridge in HSM2

31. Pajamas:
PJs

32. Woody:
Woodpecker

33. Wet Socks:
My old house in SF when it would rain and we'd have a leaky roof

34. Fruit:
Apple

35. Love:
The greatest gift we've all been given

Interesting Survey

got this from Brenda and xle. I haven't read her answers yet so not to taint my honest replies.

Answer Honestly

1. Theater or Musical Theater?
Theater

2. Talent in order of expertise: (singing, dancing, acting)
I can't do any of these well, but if I had to choose directly from this list...
Singing, Acting, Dancing

3. Favorite role thus far:
Malaya from Bindlestiff's Progress in Work/Work In Progress Visual Theater Show

4. If you had your choice of working behind the scenes would you be: Director, Choreographer, Producer?
PLAYWRIGHT... then producer

5. How old were you when you 1st started performing?
10 years old

6. How long have you been performing?
Since I was ten... can't write down how many years cuz that'd depress me based on how old I am now!

7. What is your dream role?
Mark Cohen from RENT

8. Favorite Broadway Star?
Anthony Rapp from RENT and Kristen Chenoweth from WICKED

9. Favorite musical(s)?
RENT, Wicked, Les Miserables, Legally Blonde, Making Tracks, Avenue Q, Bright Lights Big City, Brooklyn, Dreamgirls, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Miss Saigon, Spring Awakening, Altar Boyz, Striking 12, Tick Tick BOOM!!!

10. Musicals you need to see?
Spring Awakening, Striking 12, Tick Tick BOOM!!!, Legally Blonde

11. Ever been to New York?
yup

12. Ever seen a show on Broadway?
yup... RENT, Wicked, Anna In The Tropics

13. Last Broadway tour or musical you’ve seen?
Avenue Q

14. Do you know anyone currently performing on Broadway?
no

15. Do you do local theater/musicals?
Yes

16. Last show you’ve worked on or in?
A little bit in Sinag-tala 2007

17. Favorite theater company in your area?
Bindlestiff Studio, Asian American Theater Company

18. Favorite Director(s) you’ve worked for?
Angela Alforque, Ramon Abad, Jay-Ar Pugao, Christina Ying, and Rachel Diaz

19. Favorite Choreographer(s) you’ve worked for?
i don't/can't dance.

20. What is your next show you will be working on?
Sinag-tala 2007

21. What are the next shows you are auditioning for?
Hopefully a Musical produced by AATC

22. What is the worst show you ever seen professionally or otherwise?
...

23. What is the worst theatre experience you've ever had?
during a show a specific song was really REALLY off! traumatic, but luckily we nailed it for Gala Night.

24. If you were to write a musical that described your personality, what would the title of it be? Finding Me

25. How do you feel about being in the ensemble?
One of the greatest experiences!

26. Why do you do theater? And don't say because you love it. Why do you love it?
Because it's the only place where I can feel like I can create something for instant gratification.

My Inspiration

This was the final song of Gary Valenciano's concert at Cache Creek in Brooks, CA. The video was from his concert earlier this year in Pasadena. Regardless, the memory of this song and this performance will always stay with me. And this is the first time in the last 3 years, that i didn't cry during this song. Maybe it was because he was so close and I was so focused on the message of the song and how close literally we were to him.

"Take Me Out" was the closing song and after that song and said his thank yous to the audience... I just went up to the stage and held out my hand. He took it and he held it for what seemed to be a minute or two and he looked into me and said God Bless You. This was the man who showed me where the light was for me to step into 2 years ago when he sang Letting Go. I owe this man so much, and to have that moment with him...

I did have an opportunity to meet him, but i didn't take it THIS YEAR but i didn't feel somehow that this wasn't the right time. at the same time, in a third-person kind of way, a part of me did meet him for the right reason when my brother met him a couple of years ago after the concert. in that meeting, he got to speak to him about Beej and even prayed for him. we did get his autograph on our books, though. next time, i will be prepared on what to tell him... and again thank him.

oh... i did take a small souvenir from the concert though ;o)

the funniest commercial... right now.

OMG! this is my family's favorite commercial of the moment!

i'm slow, okay!?

so, i just watched the video for Whitney Houston's "Saving All My Love For You" and I FINALLY understand what the song is about. WTF? I'm here what 20 years later realize that it's not a cutesy love song, but about a ho trying to break up a couple? WTF? I'm so slow!

Mad... disappointed... hurt.

Today was the lowest point in my professional life. Hopefully getting this out will be therapeutic especially since writing has been my therapy, and continues to be, through the darkest times which happens to be one of those times right now. So, I work for a corporation, forget it, i have to be honest, i work for gap.com and a couple of days ago gap.com celebrated it's 10th birthday. an awesome milestone that i'm truly proud to be a part of. over the last two years and nine months, i put in so many hours, overtime, and on weekends to make this a great place for people to shop for clothes. i created the prototype of what became the zoom feature on our product pages. i was the first one to put our tv ads on our website using flash. i've created so many shops and other marketing content that helped to make gap.com a great and profitable ecommerce site...

my team and i found out that the employees of gap.com had a birthday celebration to thank the employees who've worked hard to get our brand as great as it is. they even got little "plaques/certificates" saying how much their work was appreciated... except for me and my team. and i just found out about this party. we were being pressed about getting things to our production team because of deadlines this morning. after figuring out a really difficult thing they wanted to have on our site, i walked down the paperwork saying that i was done to one of my producers... but when i got down there, the place was empty except for one contractor, who had worked just as hard on the site, but said that she wasn't invited either. production, merchants, and design... all the people that I work with on a daily basis on our website were gone! and we were completely left out. sure you might be saying, wtf are you depressed about. you're sad cuz you didn't get invited to a party? that's not the point, it was the fact that i've busted my ass over these 2+ years to have something to even celebrate and to not be acknowledged as being part of that success pissed me off... and hurt deeply. a dear friend of mine once complemented me on my passion. true, that this passion was displayed in an artistic capacity, but this same passion is what i bring to my job EVERYDAY! i'm passionate about my job, even though geeky as it seems, i, and my team, work our asses off and to be left out for THEIR SUCCESS.

i don't know what to do now. i just don't. what is the price of my pride and work? is this the price of working for a "top" company? how much am i worth? apparently not much to them...

Wha? A Theater Survey?

Got this from Lea's Blog...

1. You’ve said countless times, “I can’t. I have rehearsal.” [x]

2. Anyone who says Macbeth has a death wish. [x] just learning about this

3. You realize theater is your social life and you don’t have any friends outside of theater. [x] I met my best friends from doing theater.

4. If you're an actor, tech people become your heroes. [x]

5. You think the Reduced Shakespeare Company is hilarious and understand the jokes while other people watching it are confused. [ ]

6. You want to shoot people who think putting on a production is easy. [x]

7. Stress is a way of life. [x]

8. Cast parties rank right up there with birthday parties. []

9. You never realized how much fun you had at rehearsals until you don’t have any more. [x]

10. You’ve been quoted on the Quote Wall. [x]

11. You can’t seem to memorize your lines, but you know everyone else’s lines verbatim. [x]

12. You have the urge to be in character in public. [ ]

13. Once the production is over you don't know what to do with your time. [x]

14. You complain about how ugly your costume is. [x]

15. You absolutely love your costume and want to steal it from the costume room after the play is over. [x]

16. You think your director is the coolest guy ever. [x]

17. You think your director is an idiot. [ ]

18. You love going to see other productions just to compare them to yours. [x]

19. You argue with your director about which play to do next. [ ]

20. You go see other productions and cringe when you see people that can’t act. [x]

21. Homework? Never heard of it. [ ]

22. You could easily set up a cot and live in the theater. You’re there all the time anyway. [ ]

23. You dread the thought of having rehearsal, but the second you get there you don’t want to leave. [ ]

24. You meet someone from another theater and instantly become best friends. [ ]

25. You beg all of your friends to come see you in the play when you are only onstage for two minutes. [ ]

26. You have lost count on how many times you've died. [ ]

27. You don't think twice about seeing guys in make-up or tights. [ ]

28. You're in public and look like you're talking to yourself because you are reciting your monologue. [x]

29. You are a techie and want to strangle the actors because you have their lines memorized better than they do. [ ]

30. You think Shakespeare was a genius but dread putting on one of his plays. [ ]

31. You know what Hell Week is. [x]

32. If you put on a musical, you randomly sing all the songs at any time of day even if it is a musical you hate. [x]

33. Sleep? What is sleep? [x]

34. Techies and actors don't understand each other, but they pretend that they do. [x]

35. You swear like a sailor. [x]

36. You've been dubbed a "Stage Nazi" or a "Tech God." [ ]

37. There's more drama backstage than there is onstage. [x]

38. Actors and techies argue about who has more work. [ ]

39. You're on your deathbed and miss school, but you somehow manage to go to rehearsal. [ ]

40. You quote lines from previous plays you've done when you have casual conversations with friends. [ ] Once something is over, I forget everything.

41. You suddenly realize that your entire wardrobe is black. [x]

42. Theater sex. Enough said. [ ]

43. You know what spiking is, and it's not what you do to hair. [x]

44. You've been working with the same people so long that you have blackmail to last a lifetime. [ ]

45. You've been injured so many times it's a miracle you're still alive. [ ]

46. Applause after a show is the best sound ever. [x]

47. You have a sigh of relief when you are doing a comedy and you hear the audience laughing. [x]

48. You can't remember what a home cooked meal tastes like, but you can remember every single way Taco Bell makes a taco or burrito. [ ]

49. You know you're a theater guy when you can put on makeup better than half the girls in your production. [ ]

50. Modesty is long forgotten. [x] "Naked in theatre isn't the same as naked in the outside world. I'll make sure I cover up in public, but for backstage quick-changes? Fuhgetaboutit." - Lea's Quote

51. You pride yourself in how fast you can strip your clothes off and change costumes. (Or help people strip!) [x]

52. People who aren't in theater just aren't cool. [ ]

taking things in...

today, one of my best friends would have turned 33. last night, i shook the hand of my idol. so many things are running through my mind, my heart, my soul, that i just need time to take it all in...