Grrr....

I'm still WIDE AWAKE! not good. especially if i plan to wake up at 7. for realz, i thought that coffee was to keep one awake was a myth. but low and behold, it's not! just drove back from sac after a productive day of blowin' my horn. hehe. of course, there's still stuff i have to work on, but i had a really good day today. it's been a long while.

so i got home and watched a new episode of quarterlife. what's weird about the show and my reaction to it, is that it feels so familiar and in a strange way i truly look at it as... well... old. maybe not the right word. mature. this episode had to do with unrequited love, which i talked about in my last blog. but i guess i'm looking back at it as a 20-something. it's so strange being in my mid-thirties now. i honestly feel like i'm in my 20's still, but at the same time, i'm glad that i'm not there anymore. and i'm glad i'm not too jaded about it nor very nostalgic. i guess mature in the way that i can look back at what was portrayed and say, yeah that happened to me and i felt exactly the same as they did back then, but i'm over it.

kinda like when i broke up with my first girlfriend, jennifer o'hara. yup that's her name. it was traumatic at the time. i was i think 17. and i remember her telling me that it was over because she fell for someone else, one of, i thought a really good friend. WTF!? and this so called friend left his girlfriend for jennifer and that friend was one of my really close friends that i've known since the 6th grade! man did that hurt. holy crap! i felt like the world ended! i hecka cried. that sucked. and i lived with that heartache for so long. and even though that happened, i'm glad that it did. it was my first time i had my heart broken. at that point in my life, i never experienced pain like that. but the thing is, i'm glad that i went through that "pain". and i write pain in quotes cuz, to be honest, the greatest pain i've ever experienced is hearing that one of my best friends die one morning. everything kinda pales in comparison.

grrr... i lost my thought. oh yeah, why i'm glad that i got my heart broken. well, i guess it's because i was just glad to get that out of the way. and really, the only time i broke-down over my breakup with michelle was when i drove down to san diego and this stupid song by american idol winner Ruben Studdard came on the radio with a lyric that went something like, i'm happy that i get to see the sun rise in your eyes, or something like that. cuz that's how i felt when i looked into her eyes in the morning when we'd wake up. but after that... true i kinda felt after 9 years together it was hard to let go, especially with the friendship part, but that changed after i told myself honestly, that i wish her all the happiness that life has to offer her, cuz she truly deserves it. and damnit, i do too. :)

i brought these points up with these people just because they are the longest "relationships" i've had. 2 and 9 years respectively. being more "mature" has actually made me want more than a relationship per se... i'm just looking to connect with someone. where i can be real with her. and for the first time in a long while, i'm finally happy to say that i'm being real with me.

well so much for a blog written at 2 in the morning. i'll read this blog one day. shake my head and say "what was i smokin'? cuz this didn't make sense." at least, i'm staying true to my blog's title... the Randomness of Tropa23.