plain sick

i'm starting on my 3rd straight week of insomnia. it's 1:10am and i told myself that i'd go to sleep at 10pm. so, i'm a little off. i'm tired. i know that but here i am on the computer again on my obsession - to everlasting quest to find every single filipino-american musical artist who has put out a "professional" recording and add it to my playlist. i'm up to 98 artists/bands! i found a number of artists on imeem itself from this filam radio station. i'm REALLY digging an artist named Alfa. her voice is so cool. there's so many more i want to find. i'm also trying to find all their cds so i could support - and to feed this addiction to try and collect all of their cds! i've been trying to find something i could collect and this is going to be it. maybe i'll invest in one of those shrinkwrap machines so that after i buy the cds, i can burn it and then seal it right back. hmmm...

having PROBLEMS dancing. i've NEVER EVER said that i could dance or that i was ever willing to, but i'm doing the hustle with even more complicated moves. man, i suck! on top of that we still haven't done anything with shadows yet and i'm starting to get a little concerned about that! but as usual, it'll come together. *fingers crossed*

need sleep. bye.

bring it on

life's funny. i'm thirty something, but i really feel like i'm at the beginning of something great. i'm at a point where i'm learning a lot about different things. i'm feeling like a sponge that wants to absorb as much LIFE as i can. i'm out every night, whether it be in sac or at borders or at rehearsal or the theater (like tonight and tomorrow nite).

right now, my obsession is with imeem. i'm rediscovering old songs from back in the day which bring back a lot of memories like where was i when i first heard this. and i'm seeing this as an opportunity to explore more songs and artists. and on this search, i hope to be influenced by the new sounds, rhythms, and lyrics that will, fingers crossed, make me into a better artist. and this is what i'm trying to do with both theater and film. trying to watch and experience as much life as i can before the fire burns out.

but this begs the question as to whether or not i'll burn myself out and/or spread myself thin. we'll see.

i'm trying to focus on my GOALS:

1) get my play, A DANCE IN THE GARDEN OF DREAMS, produced. meaning that i need to have other people see it. i don't need a big production or anything, just an audience and i'll have one of my life's goals completed.
2) write more! plays, poetry, blog entries. just write!
3) start a writing workshop for sftppa.
4) learn. i'm going to a couple of workshops offered through AATC. producing and playwriting workshops. plus, i've just signed up to take a writing workshop with Jessica Hagedorn! we'll see how that goes.
5) experience life. with all this craziness happenning, i still want to STOP and spend time with the people who mean so much to me. my mom's already having fits that i don't spend time with her, but i have other family members in sac that i NEED to catch up with... xle that means you!

enough goals. i'm out!

Hip-Hop Theater Festival

Just got home to wind down and check in with you about two plays that i've just seen. last night was watching the Suicide Kings Trio's "In Spite of Everything" and tonite's "Representa" which played at La Pena in Berkeley.

"In Spite of Everything"
It's a theater piece that combines spoken word and interweaving personal stories of a school shooting and the questioning of 3 poets who last talked the shooter. INCREDIBLE! i was memorized watching the poets bare their souls and experiences in their poetry and stories. i was also impressed how they infused their delivery with a story of the police interviewing questioning them as it was their fault for giving this kid who killed 29 other kids in his classroom the idea to do this. they weaved personal stories with stories of other people who could be involved as to insights on why this happened. and that's really the goal of this play - what could have made this person do this? this play that ran about 100 minutes with a 12-minute intermission blew me away. my favorite parts were the way one of the cops forensically told another detective exactly what happened in that classroom. "he fired two shots at that girl. (looking at a sheet) miss davis, one missed as you can see on the far wall another stuck in her abdomen. by this trail, she crawled to this spot before said shooter fired point blank into her temple..." and he continued to detail this slaughter WITHOUT feeling for the victims. matter of fact. by the book. were these all these kids were? matter of fact? then they'd mimic a news reporter who was only there for the story. then the dad of the shooter. powerful. and finally, they profiled the shooters from Columbine and that eventful day - in reverse! from the point where they committed suicide in library at 11:23 am and worked backwards: "the fire inhaled the smoke and bullet into the chamber of a 9mm with the eric kleebold's hand moving back down" just incredible use of telling a story in reverse. at the end, using the fact that they travel the country facilitating poetry workshops, they encounter a kid who is quiet and ask him to share his feelings, not with guns, but with poetry. for more info on them, check out their myspace page: www.myspace.com/thesuicidekingstrio and their page: suicidekingsspokenword.com

"Representa!"
Taken from La Pena's site: REPRESENTA! A hilariously, entertaining & provocative bilingual play combining spoken-word and poetry. Despite an atmosphere laden with stereotypes and anxieties between North Americans and Cubans, Chicano spoken word poet Paul Flores & Cuban rapper Julio Cardenas struck up a friendship when they met at the Havana Hip-Hop Festival. A fiercely incisive commentary on terrorism, immigration, Cuba, U.S. foreign policy, Bay Area lefty culture, New York after 9/11 and pan-Latino identity. A bilingual theatre, which combines spoken-word poetry with character portrayals, that is hilariously, entertaining & provocative. Directed by Danny Hoch. Presented in conjunction with Hip-Hop Theater Fest, SFIAF, & Mission Cultural Center. Saturday at 4pm a post performance talk with artists. Again, INCREDIBLE! the story telling is incredible as they weave a number of different characters from their personal lives that interact with each other. it's hard to describe, but one that i definitely want to experiment with.

All in all - INSPIRED. not only do I want to Write, i want to perform.

asking for Time to stop

shitty things happen. and they happen to good people. life's so not fair, as a cliche/anthem for the angst ridden youth, as i remember those days too, takes on different meanings as i travel further on this journey of life and living. earlier, i told one of my best friends, my ading, my Sister, that sometimes all you can do is just to keep going... cuz in the end, that's what time keeps doing too... just keeps going.

but look at it this way, TIME doesn't have any emotions. it can't feel. time is a self-serving muther fucker who doesn't give one bunny crap about how crappy your day is going, or the reason why your late for class is that you were stuck in traffic on Elk Grove Florin because some stupid shit ran a red-light into the yellow beat-up Kia which held a 19-year-old mom rushing to drop off her baby to her grandma's house cuz she's running late for her own LIFE to provide for her little one's. time is the fuk'd up "friend" who asks you how your day is going and looks at you with the blank stare with the self-reflecting mirror in his own eyes asking himself, "me, what's next on my schedule? me, who do i have to do next? me, why am i here listening to someone not talk about me?" time is like the roman soldier that keeps moving forward after slicing up poor souls in his army's path. He moves with one thud of a step in front of another ignoring the blood of his victim that's been dried out in between the cracks of skin made that way by a swealtering heat that suffocates even the slightest question of "what time is it"?

To make things worse, this BEAST that uses the moniker of Time, won't even take a break to enjoy the laughter of a baby as a Lolo sings in Bisayan the same song which has been handed down from generation over mountain over the Pacific to a little house in the 916. Time is the bastard that doesn't even say "Congratulations!" to the person who stands on a stage fulfilling a lifetime goal. not even a "Great Job" or "I'm proud of you" is in Time's vernacular. Just a fuckin' pink ass bunny beating a bass drum on his belly like he's beating his furry little dick as he just keeps on going... and going. I just want to take off your whack-ass shades and yell, "STOP... and listen."

"why do you have to keep moving like the river? like the wind? like droplets of rain from heaven on a december day? like my thoughts of wanting time to stop. stop just for one second to THANK God for everything He has given me. Time, can you stop just long enough for me to say a prayer for my friends and their families. And, Time? Can you hold up a sec for me to catch my breath, close my eyes, and know that in this one moment of your presence, that NO ONE is hurting?"

When will I EVER learn...

that PEAS give me gas!

'yon lang.

can't sleep

just can't sleep yet. don't know why. had a good weekend back home. went to a mother's day shindig at the fil-am club back in marina on saturday... and old folks were trying to set me up with this person named Aileen. she just got here from the pi like last week. egadz! honestly NOTHING against her. she's nice and we talked a little bit, but... eh. then i talked to this person that i knew from middle and high school. haven't seen her in ages and then i find out that she went to sac state too?! did i know that? maybe i did, but i remembered that she was a year older than me and probably didn't ever pay any mind to me anyways... but it's different now. needless to say, we had a great convo talking about people from way back in the day. then about where she lived in when she was at sac. then HA about ST. again needless to say, things never change! even though i was in the club, she HATED people in the club back then! hehe. i never realized how cliqueeee the club was when i was in it... probably because i was part of that clique. hate to admit it, but at the same time, i was really going through a transitional part of college when i joined them.

okay, topic is my college life. in high school, i was an overweight nerd band geek! face facts. then when i got to sac at 18 years old, i left home, 300 miles away. the only person i knew was my cuzin, but he was 5 years older than me and... just older. so in a way, i was alone. but i also saw it as a way to reinvent myself. nobody knew me there and as i said, i went through a transitional phase where i was trying to discover who i was, and more importantly, who i WASN'T. so i started to hang around the filipino club. and i don't regret really being with them. i learned a lot about who i am as a filipino and filipino-american. i got culturized, if you will, or if that's a word. i got hecka skinny by playing tennis everyday. i started going out almost every night, even though if it was with friends by my second semester. i lived with my cuzn but i was NEVER home even during the week as i'd stay at my friend's, jennifer's, house all night just kickin' it after watching, well i did homework, melrose place! also, went clubbing everynight except for mondays and tuesdays. i was FINALLY not the dork anymore. but somewhere along the way, i kinda forgot who i was and i really never thought for myself. i just went along with everyone. and being in a clique was wierd because one second i'd have really close friends and if i did stand up for what was right, i'd have one of them not being friends with me, which in turn, made the other people who were closer to that person turn against me. then i'd change to try to gain acceptance again. so stupid.

then i, along with one of my best friends, bj, joined a little group of artists called sinag-tala. i found out that i didn't have to compromise who i was and was accepted for being a little flighty or just a ham! this group turned into one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me - they became, and still are, MY FAMILY.

back to the person i talked with at the party - i had a REALLY nice time talking to her. we exchanged numbers and despite my hectic schedule, plus her upcoming baby, i hope that we stay in touch.

had rehearsal sunday as well. even though i didn't really need to be there, i'm glad that i did. I AM REALLY STOKED about something that's going to be in the play. it's a surprise, but putting it this way, i'm not only going to be part of the shadow cast, i got cast as an "extra" on stage... and a MUSICIAN. i played a song i wrote a while ago, just playing around, and Jay-Ar, the co-director, stopped me and yelled, "CONRAD! Keep playing that!" I did and bada-bing! it's in the show. my song is in the show! one little step closer to my dream of writing a musical! the song fit PERFECT with the scene. it really was magic how all the pieces came together. people came up to me and told me that they really liked the song :) i said that it was my good luck song and if there was ever a piano nearby where i was performing, i'd play this song and "instant zone" and "peace". plus, it got the attention of a certain someone ;) we'll see...

better get some sleep now. ingatz!

Getting Old

Stayed home today because my upper back is killing me! I have no clue how I tweaked it, but it is! Blah. Now the pain is up near my shoulders when it started right in the middle of my back. At the same time, I need another day away from the office. Not really busy, just needed a getaway, something I've been doing a lot of recently. Actually I calculated that I have 20 days of vaca time so this indicated that I really haven't taken that much time off lately. The last time was a year ago when I went back to the PI.

I think I screwed up my back more yesterday after I got home from work too. I put the garbage out and saw that my lawn was long and a lot of weeds! blah! so i took out the manual lawn mower and went up and down my little patch of green. terrible!

anyways, i guess i don't have that much to talk about, but at least i checked it.

hopefully, my back will feel better later this afternoon!

NEVER AGAIN Lyrics

I'm honestly not in this bitter mood, but it's just nice to know that someone has been there before! HA!

NEVER AGAIN by Kelly Clarkson

I hope the ring you gave to her
Turned her finger green
I hope when you're in bed with her
You think of me
I would never wish bad things
But I don't wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try to make it all okay

Chorus:
Does it hurt
To know ill never be there
Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew
Exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
I Never Will
I never will
Never again
Never again
Never again

If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife
Oh how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
You'll die together but alone
You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

Repeat Chorus

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!

latest bio

USA wanted a new bio, so here's mine:

Conrad A. Panganiban
Conrad has been active in the Arts for the last 20 years. Beginning with Music, he has played the trumpet in front of a sold out stadium with the UC, Berkeley Bear Band, with the Northern California Youth Symphony in Stockton, CA, and the Monterery Jazz Festival's Youth Orchestra. He has also been honored to have played with the California Central Coast Section's High School Honors Concert Band for three consecutive years. In 1995, Conrad released a compilation CD of his orginal compositions where he sings vocals and plays all the instruments including piano and guitar.

Update:
He has also had his artwork displayed for the Filipino Community in Vallejo as well as in Maganda Magazine published in Berkeley, CA.

He began his artistic endeavors in Theater when he began college in 1990. As an actor, Conrad has appeared on stage with the Sinag-tala Filipino Theater and Performing Arts Association (SFTPAA) of Sacramento, with San Jose State University's Akbayan Club's Pilipino Culture Night, with Inter-ACT in Peter Mellencamp's STRUGGLING TRUTHS, Sacramento City College's production of Jeannie Barroga's WALLS. He has also filled the director's chair with CSU, Sacramento's Samahang Pilipino 1994 Pilipino Culture Night and Academy of Art University's Pinoy And Pinay Artists. He has also been honored to have directed segments for the Sinag-tala Theatrical Revue. As a playwright, Conrad has written for Samahang Pilipino of CSUS Pilipino Culture Night, Bindlestiff Studio of San Francisco's STORIES HIGH PRODUCTION OF ONE ACTS, and again for the Sinag-tala Theatrical Revue. Using his technical savvy, he has also worked as the Digital Visual Designer for Sinag-tala, Parlance Production's SEPIA RESERVATIONS, and most recently with the Visual Theater Troupe of San Francisco.

Recently, he was found on stage as one of the lead characters as a puppeteer with Bindlestiff Studio's Visual Theater Troupe's production of PROGRESS IN WORK/WORK IN PROGRESS. His next production will be found behind the scenes controlling puppets and projections with the Filipino-American troupe of perfomance artists called The Movement. He plans to produce and direct a collection of his plays in Sacramento and in San Francisco in 2008.

While not creating artwork for the stage, Conrad spends his day as the Sr. Technical Designer for Gap.com in San Francisco, CA. He also works as the Webmaster and Designer for www.sinagtala.org.

there i go again!

welps. bored at work with really nothing else to do... but window shop for places to go. but another problema, walang dinero! i heard that tamyra grey will be in RENT playing mimi at the end of the month and adam and anthony will be back reprising their original roles in june. F#CK! no money. that and i've already put aside $200 as a donation for something that means a lot to me.

at least i can dream. i'm still slated to go on some vaca days in june. not sure what i'll do. the movement should be going through some heavy rehearsals so that should occupy my time.

oh, had another bindlehall meeting last night. very imformative. stuff about having to move out of the theater at the end of july and looking for voluteers and of course i'm down to help out when i'm not in rehearsals so it looks like starting june 3 - 15 i'll be at the stiff everyday helping out. oh, thanks mr. ARTISTIC DIRECTORY OF MYX/TFC for calling me out to help out with the website! geez. i still have to work on sftpaa.org (which looks cool in a WordPress layout) but it's coming along and i'm really excited about doing something new in web. but yeah, i got signed up so i better get to work. it's sad that the stiff is losing it's theater space, but maybe it is good to kick our ass to raise money so that the sfrdb can give a lease to the space across the street! grrr.

one thing that stuck out from last night's meeting was a debate, if you will, between Alex and Dino. it was handled very maturely! even though there was a difference in opinion and action, it was stated out loud for the record but those two cats handled things very professionally and mature. i've been witness to so many butting heads of "older" adults that it was very refreshing to have a difference of opinion yet still be united in a cause - getting the stiff's space across the street to create new and always beautiful art on stage! i'm learning a lot from these cats! and the longer i know and hang around and "come through" i hope that i can possibly do more and just be.

finally.

i HATE *sniffle* Allergies!

at work right now suffering miserably from allergies. it's like 80 degrees outside and i was stupid enough to try and enjoy the weather. add to that i forgot my wallet this morning so i forgot my ferry pass in there! i have no money and no way to get home. way to go Conrad! at least i know the ferry people by name and they know me so i told Mark that i left my pass at home and he told me to show my pass to him twice tomorrow. ha! now i gotta tell Louie that i don't have my pass, i hope he's as forgiving.

that's it. just wanted to check in. ttyl.

Geez Louise... it's been a while

So many things to talk about even though i REALLY should be going to sleep soon. Where to begin:

- the Movement
I was seriously, yes Meb, seriously??, considering dropping from the show, but i'm really glad that i decided against it. went to rehearsal today and i'm still kinda sketchy on how everything is going to work, but everyone is so talented and i FINALLY feel like an outsider. my opinions are starting to count and people know what my strengths are. we'll it's kinda intimidating that they think of me as a writer, but at least i have enough confidence in myself to step up and basically trust myself and trust my instincts.

but today, we went over scene 3 and the movers did such a good job in portraying the scene that i almost shed a tear. D is so good and i still wonder how i got the opportunity to work opposite her for the visual theater show. i learned a lot from her and hopefully she learned something from me.

speaking of which, we're coming up with this show as a collective. i'm starting to get used to working this way. especially since i'm such a control freak about some things, but it kinda brings me back to when i did the pcn for sac state (i'll talk about more about this subject later in this post) when even though i wrote the script, i was very open to what my cast had to say about what worked with them. i guess my stance was if they were the ones on stage in front of people, most if not all for the first time, then they should do what's most comfortable for them, with of course tightening up the reigns if they're actions didn't fit the story. so this feels like the same approach with this awesome group of artists. but on the whole, i hope that i'm holding up my end at least to make this show work!

- pcn
i was talking to my lil sis earlier about sac state's pcn. plus, i've finally seen all the flyers and shoutouts for pcns in northern cali. i've even joked with my co-worker about seeing some. it's been YEARS since i've seen one and i guess in a way i'm kinda interested how the show's have progressed since i've seen one. i still remember the FIRST one i saw at UCD. it totally blew me away. i was 18 at the time and being from monterey i've never really seen so many filipinos in one place before. yes, it was way before i was voted mr. filipino history man with samahang. hehe. that was a long time ago! i still really regret not telling my friends up in sac about my acting gig with sjsu's pcn. i was on fire that night! :) hey, learn from past mistakes. (well except for this last show in sf. i just didn't feel right of having anyone drive and our and a half down here for a 40-45 minute show. plus, i didn't really know how it'd go off without a script. it did go well though!) back to pcn... maybe i'll write another one... speaking of which...

- the family de castro
this is the title of my new play. started writing it this weekend with hopes that if i do actually have "a dance..." produced, i could have another play to precede it so that the whole show would be around 2 hours. i'm still working on the backstories of the characters as i've learned this to be the easiest way to have the characters speak by know where they come from in the first place. anyways, the short play is about a girl who's about to be visited by a filipino group that might offer her a scholarship to college. they want to meet her family... but the problem is that they aren't very filipino. they are all americanized and the play explores the non-traditional filipino family. i wanted a comedy, but also a social exploration of what defines growing up in a filipino household in America. As newer generations of pilipino-americans grow older in this country, how much of culture will be lost from upcoming generations to generations and what will the filipino culture still be valued in this life in America, when all everyone does is just to get by everyday. so, we'll see how it goes, but i got a good start with the characters :)

- missing sac
i'm trying not to. i'm just tired of feeling kawawa of not having friends to hang out with or not being able to go bowling this past weekend, or watching my best friends have their cinco de mayo gig. i do have my family to take care of. it was my dad's bday on friday and i was bummed. went to monterey to make sure my mom was doing ok. oh, i got attacked by a bird today. it's an experience i tell ya! at any rate, i'll always miss sac, but i live here now. period. i have to start actually living life here and not wish i was back there. life still goes on there without me anyways, and it's unfair for me to wish anything otherwise. i guess all i want though... is to not be forgotten. *sigh*

that's all for now. hella late, but had to get that off my chest. take care and hope that it's not forever before my next post!