The Mystic Manong known as Juan Carlos

not sure as to why i'm feeling this way. i got a raise today at work... but for some reason, instead of being happy about it, i feel myself more depressed. egad, there should absolutely be no reason to feel this way, but i just do. when my boss first told me, i felt kinda excited, but then i felt sad cuz i didn't have anyone to share the news with. actually, i was proud of the fact that i was recognized for all the hard work i've been doing, but at the same time, i don't want to brag about it. maybe that's why i got sad. but after some thought, i just thought that if i couldn't tell my friends because of what i thought they would think of me, then maybe they aren't really good friends, cuz instead of being supportive and happy for me, then in my screwed up thoughts, they would think that i'm bragging and make them feel bad... and that's something i'd NEVER want to do!!! so in a way, it's denying my happiness for the sake of not making anyone feel bad. crap, why am i wired this way?

after telling my mom, i told one of my best friends, cuz i knew that she wouldn't take it the way of my worst thoughts. plus, i needed to tell someone, and i trust her with so much that i knew i wouldn't feel bad about telling her, even tho i kinda did. grrr. that's it i won't tell anyone else. again denying my joy.

i feel so bad about not being able to go to sac tonight. but i think that i'd feel worse if i went up there, and hour-and-a-half, stay for about and hour, and then 1.5 hrs back.

gad. a lot to feel bad about today. *sigh* just one of them days, i guess.

on a happy note, i get to do some shopping tomorrow at work! :) hope that there's good stuff for costumes!

you know what, i've had this strong urge to go on one of my "trips" again - a trip somewhere far without telling anyone until i get there. i wanna go to pi so bad! especially this time of year. i woke up this morning with the tv on tfc and saw all the decorations on ayala ave in makati. ahh... i miss that street! never got a chance to go to the museum. grrr.

i signed up to do some voice workshops (singing class) @ bindlestiff. part of the promise to myself to get out there more. it's for a performance on dec 9 for the parol fest in sf. i remember bitoy telling me about it when he went... uh, i'll keep that convo between us ;) talagang crazy! anyways, i had a thought on the ferry back home as if that fest will be the same time as the st cast party. if so, i'll most likely be in sf for the parol fest.

not to dis my family in sac, but i've been thinking a lot about why am i going to sac so much for st... er rather the look people give me as to why i'm in sac again! even for like an hour or two and then drive back. crazy i know. but on one of my commutes up 80, i got to thinking... man, i need a life. i will always always miss and need my sac family, but i need to start... you know.

what am i doing with my life?

oh welps!