stuck

feeling stuck... er... in a rut i guess is a better term. been asking myself what or who am i. i've been moving so fast doing so many things lately, that i've finally stopped to ask myself what do i want from life? i've done so much and i've been so blessed by the people who've touched my life. is it my ego that's talking by saying that i want more. so much more. life is so short and i guess i'm at a point where i ask myself, is this it? is this all to my life. i get up, go to work, deal with all the bs there, come home, watch tv (at least there's PDA EVERY DAY :)), go to sleep and start over again? is this all? if i died, life would still continue, but everything would still go on, like if i weren't even here in the first place.

which brings to mind, what if i weren't here anymore. sometimes i walk across a street in sf, in the back of my mind, i think, what would happen if the approaching car didn't stop. would it hurt? i've heard that if you think about something enough time, it will eventually happen. i'm not suicidal. i don't want to die. but sometimes i just wonder. have i done enough in my lifetime to satisfy myself. i wonder if i just made some kind of dent in this world. not being yabang, but i know that i've made a difference in the lives of others, because that's what i try to do, but... more. i guess that's why i want my play to get produced by someone i don't know. just anyone. then i'd know that what i had to say, moved someone. and they believed in it enough to share with others. i thought of producing it myself, but it would go against what i had hoped that my story would accomplish. i'd be almost ashamed if i had to produce it. kinda admitting that it wasn't good enough for anyone else... like me.

urgh! why can't i just be satisfied? if the world was so small, how come it feels like i've seen so little of it. di ba? it's getting to the point where i just am not happy with anything i do. grr.

ok, conrad. pull urself together and figure out what you need to do. (i'm only talking like this because i'm assuming that noone else is reading this) after the show, i need to go somewhere. i need to do something new. a new year is coming and i need to do something to turn my life around. quit my job? find another one? join a club/organization? meet new people? make new friends, without forgetting/neglecting my friends/family? fall in love? forget... ok. this is getting somewhere. good. i'm feelling better, then again, actions speak louder than words. but at least it's a starting point.

better end things here for now. ttfn.