the green dwarf under the welcome mat

my mind's been so blank lately. since tuesday, i haven't been really feeling well. not in a cold/flu sense, but in a really really tired sense. i've been going to sleep at around 9 - 9:30ish and waking up at 4 - 5ish. then doing the same routine over and over again. urgh. i have so much to do, but totally feel like im unable to. not sure what it is. stress maybe. hopefully. it's just stress... i need to see a doctor.

wat else. i need to start looking for another jobby job. i don't... i really don't want to, but it's just frustrating feeling like everything i do i might break the site just because the back-end has so many issues. grrr. i feel so nerdy at work too...

:( letting go feels like it's going nowhere. i've always had the attitude of "if you want something done, you have to do it yourself." the problem with that is that it builds the attitude of being too independent and feeling that i ALWAYS have to do everything and not ask for help, which is my problem at work. back to the play - i guess it's a ego/pride issue of wanting to be good enough, where someone, outside of my friends/family, sees how good i think i am as a writer. one of the reasons why i wanted to become a writer was the feeling i had when i got the email saying that my short play was going to be produced. it was a feeling of... one of my dreams have come true. this was something i wanted, but never thought it'd come true and it did. grrr... and now that i have something that i love and i need to have seen, i want others to see it too. maybe it just sucks! grrr... so frustrating.

my tagalog sixth sense is disappearing on me... when i first got tfc, it felt like i knew 80% of what was being said, but lately it feels like i only gets 30% of wat's being said. grrr. that's annoying me too. but this isn't keeping me from watching the best tv show in the world: Pinoy Dream Academy :)