My Fear

So, tonight is the closing night of my play, The Gift, and I was seriously considering not going. My alternative plan was to go to sac and play poker. That would've been fun plus I would be with people whom I was comfortable with. Then in typical tropa23 fashion i started analyzing this choice. A major accomplishment in my life is ending yet i didn't want to go. why?

fear. i am afraid to get close to these amazing people. everything is still new even though i've known most of them for a year now. there's nothing bad about them. they are artists and doing something GREAT for the community. then why should i be afraid? it's because i didn't want to lose the friendships i had in sac. however, through natural causes... some of those closeness is gone. i've been pretty depressed about that lately, but i guess that's the way it just goes. i ain't mad at anyone or anything like that, it just happens. just sad about it. it's just that i have to start over again. what i have with my friends in sac is different. some of them are not even considered friends to me. they are more like family. and one thing about families is that it takes a lot to break that fiber. with friends, that interweaving of over a decade of friendship can and will be tested, stretched out, and sometimes torn. but being a family, those strains always eventually get mended. well that's what i believe.

but back to this fear. i was watching something last night on tv and there was this one line from something a movie i flipped to where one of the characters says to another, "if you don't face fear, you won't see the opportunity." and that's really been my problem, i've been too scared to approach others. i have no idea why, it's just that. ugh. and it's utterly stupid to use the I'M SHY excuse. I have to man up and just say hi. it doesn't necessarily mean i can carry a conversation after that, but just be yourself and to again stop hiding behind a fake facade of "but, this is myself." yes... i've been funny, but not in a haha kind of way.

paalam.