feels like forever, my old friend

why am i humanizing a blog that i'm actually writing myself? maybe it's because it feels like the only "person" who i can talk to without feeling either pity or guilt for talking about the stuff that's going through my mind.

just had the realization again about my age and where i am at this point in life. i'll be in a show in april and doing a reading in may with the most amazing artists and good people, but for the first time right now, i just noticed my age in comparison to them. and in doing so, i'm like ashamed that i'm not where i need to be. maybe it's like an internal competition thing in saying that when these people get to my age, they're going to be light years ahead of where i am now... then again, maybe not.

looking back at those years, i was struggling to find my place in the world. i was in a pretty good relationship and i was going back to school to make a living for myself. and for all intensive purposes, i have. i have a good job and i'm pretty sure that i've amassed a lot of experience in my field to feel confident in getting any job i want, and that's not arrogance, it's working through ALL THE SHITTY jobs i've had in the past and SACRIFICED so much that I deserve to get any job i want Damnit! Working on weekends, holidays, for minimum wage with acquaintances coming in with their fancy jobs and me... struggling.

Which still leaves me right where I still am... struggling. But at least I finally have a goal - to be a playwright. I've been kicking my ass and still sacrificing to make this dream come true. Every day I try to do something that will help me get better. I consider this entry as part of my training as well as it builds my stream of consciousness. But the sacrifice is being alone on this journey. I want to reach this goal SO BAD that I don't want to be distracted by anyone. And it wouldn't be fair to anyone for me to be like this. I've already went through it before. I know I'm being selfish, but to be honest, this dream feels like the only thing i have to keep me hoping that my life has purpose.

At the same time, I wouldn't want to wish this on anyone else. The greatest high I get is when I think of a scene and these characters start to come to life and write the scene themselves. The worst feeling is knowing that these are the only people who don't mind my manic depressive submissions.

*breath* okay, i'm feeling a little better. good therapy fix!