emo

feels like forever since i last wrote in here, and believe me that's a really BAD thing. sometimes this blog is the only thing that keeps me sane. just learning more about myself lately. oh, before i forget, i was going over the bridge into the city. was stuck in the farthest left lane to enter 5th street and looked over the bay towards the san mateo bridge. "how easy would it be to just get out of the car right now and jump?" honestly, i had the scene running over and over in my head in dvd switch angle views. from inside the car. door opens, follow the swinging of the door while the last shot is two feet going over. from behind. from the pov of the person behind me. from the pov of the side mirror of the person in front of me. and finally my pov. just opening the door and jumping without a thought in order for no thoughts to stop. i wanted that feeling of flight. and knowing that it'll be over soon.

haven't had that feeling in a while. don't really know why it krept back into my psyche but it just did. thoughts of killing myself sucks, cuz it just feels like something i can't control. like something i want real bad. even prayed for it one time. just take me from what most everyone i know fears the most. something that i live with. the quiet. the cold. the dark.

feeling alone.