back on stage / work / so that's what almost dying feels like?

can't work and it's been FOREVER since i last wrote in here despite having so many thoughts that have run through my head since last posting. so here it goes in the same old random order that defines me...

- last night was opening night on one of the craziest journeys in how i'm continuing to evolve as an artist. one of the major reasons for this craziness is that we started "reheasring" tuesday night. had 2 run-throughs wed night. then opening. but because of the unorthodox way of putting on this production, it has challenged me so much to try and use my skills of being an actor and playwrite, and not to mention being a puppeteer - which i have NO EXPERIENCE IN. and to top that off by learning in front of an audience. pure craziness! but honestly well worth it. i haven't been pushed like this in a pretty long time.

one that comes to mind is acting class with AK. she was awesome, but my final was crazy, cuz she pulled something out of me that i never knew was there. and i think that was the first time i truly appreciated acting on so many levels.

but my legs are pretty sore now from squatting. i called rodrigo last night asking info on how to get knee pads :) hope that champs downtown has em. i'll leave in a couple of minutes.

oh, here's my bio for the program:

Conrad A. Panganiban
Conrad is proud to be making his first onstage performance with Bindlestiff Studio. He is a professional Northern Cali nomad having previously lived in the 813/408/415/707/916 and currently in the 510. When taking a break from moving, he has appeared with the Sinag-tala Filipino Theater and Performing Arts Association (SFTPAA) of Sacramento, Akbayan of SJSU, Inter-ACT in Peter Mellencamp's STRUGGLING TRUTHS, and with Sacramento City College's production of Jeannie Barroga's WALLS. As a playwright and/or director, he has worked with CSU, Sacramento's Samahang Pilipino, AAU's Pinoy And Pinay Artists, Bindlestiff's Stories High, and with SFTPAA which he is also currently a Resident Artist. Many thanks to Ramon Abad, our awesome cast, da TROPAS, my ST family, BJ Alisago, and to everyone who has kept Bindlestiff going all these years!

so, the show is... well, it's in progress. hence the title of our play, work-in-progress/progress-in-work. it's about these two kids (i play one of the kids) who leave their house and their mean lola to explore the city. on this journey, they meet a bunch of different characters: an old man who "loves" little kids, a card dealing hustler, a pimp, a "candy" dealer, and a mystical healer in a cave in a forest. they finally wind back home to their lola. that's the story, and the cast and i are writing it out as we actually perform it in front of a live studio audience. *hella scary* that's where the improv stuff happens. we have basic notes about what we need to do and our blocking and lighting cues - but other than that, we're on our own. so funny, cuz without a script, our first run-through lasted 20 minutes. and our first run-through was wednesday night - a day before we open! it wasn't even a full run-through cuz we did cue-to-cue that nite as well! HA! but, it's a challenge! the whole cast is SO AWESOME! we get along so well, and we're starting to finally realize how much we need each other to pull this off - cuz there's nothing else we can do. we're in front/around/through/behind an audience. oh, funny - haha - when they said, 3 minutes til the house opens, i was the only one to respond with "thank you three!" they prolly think imma dork. it makes so much sense to say it though. like, how else are you gonna know if anybody else is listening. that's one thing i need to ask my lil sis is if her cast @ dloc uses that "thank you (insert time here)" as well. same thing to ask cayote!

- on top of this show, i've been pulling all-nighters working on a project for work. that's been crazy as well. i even got up at 5am this morning to work on it for a presentation to the vp of my company's online division *read: the head honcho*. he loved it. actually, his exact words were "holy shit! that's awesome!" there's more tweaking to be done, but i'm so tired of it, i don't want to look at it until tomorrow, yes saturday, to continue work on it. i'm really proud of it though. i hope that it helps business! in a way, it's funny that i think this way. like i work for a big company, but in a weird way, it still feels like a small business mentality. maybe it's because we, the online brand, is smaller than the brand (stores) does. ick... nuff talk about work other than i'm hella tired and i don't want to work on it anymore today. but the project itself is fun and i've learned a lot from it with the added bonus of more notariety from employees in other divisions. (hint hint: more $$$ and extra leverage if i need something.)

- had a funky episode happen to me last night. so after the show, i was dehydrated and stuff, and i was home, but i had a cold glass of water, and then i started to not feel real good. actually, i thought i was going to pass out. never had this feeling before. i was sitting down, took a drink, then my stomach did not feel good, and i couldn't breathe. when i stood up to try and alleviate the pain, i started feeling really dizzy and instead of blacking out, i started to white out. like everything was getting fuzzy. i balanced myself against the island in the kitchen and tried to calm down, fighting every urge not to collapse. my very first thought was of beej. i was considering calling my sister, but she was asleep and i couldn't even form the words as i gasped for air. in between thoughts of what's going to happen if i collapse and this presentation in the morning and the next night's show, i just prepared myself for an eventual blackout. it never came. i started to breath normal again, but i was very cold. goosebumps like never before. i slowly made my way back to the coach and had, yes i'm stupid like that, another sip of water to calm my nerves. the h2o was more at room temp by then so i guess i was fine. i was scared in a way to think that if i closed my eyes, it was around 12:30am, i don't know if i'd wake up. the tv was still on at 5:00am when i opened my eyes. espn was on and imus was the news. i made it.