ta-da

free write. nobody reads this anyways :( like why would i care anyways. whatever. i'd say something right now, but... fck it. my heart's not in it. so i'm like driving and i was thinking that the whole experience is like a drug trying to get that initial high. it's gone. that feeling. actually what is going through my head is passed it. feeling so insignificant. like i don't matter anymore. grrr. another phase i guess.

choices. mid-life crisis? starting to re-evaluate the choices that i've made over the last 10 years of adulthood. regret is something that one should never have cuz it goes against the mantra of living today for today. guess that why i was sad a couple of weeks ago when i found out about this raise i was getting from work. a couple of years ago, i had to make a choice between living in a mountain of debt while living with *** family or get a good job with a chance of having money to support a family. now i have been fortunate to have the $$$ but lost the family. no regrets, conrad.

sometimes when i go up to sac, i ... it's not about me. that's what i have to keep telling myself. grrr.... whatever. no let me be honest. i feel stupid sometimes for driving up there. wtf? crazy? dedicated? stupid? a lame attempt to try and recapture memories of a time long passed? a feeling of wanting to be accepted? venting! AHHHHH!!!!! shit.