Feels like forever

So it feels like forever since I last updated my blog. I'm at work right now emailing this entry into my blog *NINJA STYLE!* hehe. So what's been up. Well, the reason I've been more sporadic in writing in here is cuz I'm changing my lifestyle - which means that I'm doing something in the morning and when I get home I go out and do my thing and when I get back home, I'm just too plain tuckered out to write anything in. But my mind is constantly reeling, hence I'm here now.

I've been thinking about what is it that I fear most in the world. It used to be dying alone. And with the amount, not necessarily in number, of friends and family that I do, and very blessed to have, I don't have this fear anymore. But after a semi-deep convo with my co-worker, I've narrowed my deepest, darkest fear - it's finding out whether my ex-fiance, Michelle, is either 1) pregnant or 2) getting married, if not already married. I KNOW I SHOULD BE OVER THAT. I am over her and I AM moving on with my life, but it's just one of those things that I'm really scared of finding out. Alright, I'm using the "scared" in a different kinda context here - it's more of the fear that I don't know what I would do when I find out. I don't know. Somebody get me a quarter to buy a clue as to what I'll do. Am I gonna flip? Get mad? Cry? Go into a deep depression cuz you'll find my self-esteem in a holed out crater in the Grand Canyon with a pack-mule pissing on it!

As I've mentioned before, I am rather unique cuz I don't allow things to fester for too long, so in my own weird pyschy, I got over this. I mean I still fear knowing, but I've kinda stopped fearing it cuz it's out of my mind… rather I've replaced this fear, for the lack of a better word, with something else - exercise. Yup, good ol number 23 has jumped back in the saddle again for the last couple of weeks and have lost close to 10 pounds already. I'm remembering everything I did before leaving Sac… yes, when I was skinny, well to my own mind's eye. I loved me then. Ah, those days. The last time I made real progress was a couple of years ago… before a couple of real tragic things happed: losing beej and my dad. Actually after my dad died, I kinda just stopped. Come to think of it, it was right after I moved away, for the 2nd time, from Sac to work for this great retailing company that is in the news a lot lately. Speaking of which, I hope I still have this job in a year - but this is for another post.

Where was I, oh yeah, so I've replaced this fear with motivation. I'm more motivated than ever to hopefully see her one day when I'm all skinny and shit, and say… well it's gonna be a good day. I know that I should be doing this for myself which I am, I actually started a journal and have downloaded a bunch of podcasts to help me, but this is like the cherry on top if one day… oh yeah.

Unfortunately, the thing to suffer,  is my writing. I'm kinda in the determination mode as to what will take precedence, my plays or my health. Sounds like a no brainer, doesn't it!

Anyways, time to catch my boat back home.

Take care Inkernet!