a while

there's something that i WISH i could post up on here and it's literally killing me that i can't. not that i can't but it just wouldn't feel right if i didn't talk to someone first. but what i will say is that this past Saturday was one of the best days i can remember. It was the first time in a long while where i didn't think about something. but today is another day, and i've been thinking about it more and more it feels. sorry that this is so cryptic, but...

on a lighter note, i had my first acting class/workshop today. oh, i also found out that my play 'the gift' will be in stories high this coming summer at bindlestiff. i'll let y'alls know the details when it comes out. despite me TOTALLY revising the play 3 times, i'm very happy with the last version. i never really felt or knew what i wanted to say with the other 2, but after some soul searching, hopefully, i got out what i wanted to say with this last version. oh... i'm also acting in stories high too. as i said, i got to finally have a class with someone whom i totally look up to, Allan S. Manalo. I know that he doesn't know the effect that he's had on me, but he makes me believe that sometimes i do have a purpose in life. he's from monterey. he got his start in a pcn. he helped start bindlestiff. things that i wish i could do, and the fact that someone did it who was basically the same path as i'm on now can do it... it's hopeful.

today's class focused on getting to know everyone, which i knew most people there. lotta guys... and i'll leave it there. but we started with the relaxation exercise where we lay on the ground and relax every part of your body one at a time while prompts where called out. i remember back in acting class when Pat made us do this on the CSUS theater stage. same feeling. then we broke up into groups of 7 and stretched with each person coming up with a stretch :) remembering times with the movement. next, we broke up into 2 lines that faced each other. observed each other breathing and then Allan made us look into the person across from us in the eye and focus. he made us step closer and closer to each other until we were face to face and just staring at each other. to that, he called out several prompts, "think of this person as someone you haven't seen in 10 years... not remember that they owe you $10,000... but that person saved your life... now walk backwards but don't lose that eye connection and realize that you might not see them again." my partner seemed intense, but be reminded me of beej. and every single prompt reminded me of him. it took a lot for me not to tear... or wanting to give this stranger a hug, but all these prompts started not to feel like prompts any more. they felt REAL. and that's when i remembered what acting is to me. When i see my favorite actors.... Brian, Chuck, and Jose to name a few on stage speaking words by some playwright, but seem so there. I've been saying that i'm not an actor and that i can't act, which i can't, but just remembering watching these artists work, and just being there with them. and this feeling can't be duplicated on film. it's just that feeling of being in a space where they share emotions that fills me with something I've truly missed.

better get some sleep. sorry it's been so long. when the time's right, i'll bare my soul...