Learning to love life for what it's worth

I think that I might have something that has been in my family on my Dad's side for as long as I can remember. Actually, I know that all my dad's brothers and sisters had it and they all passed away because of this disease. For just some reason, I haven't brought myself to check myself out. I haven't been to the doctor in ages and the last time I did, I asked to check this because of my family history. Nope. But as I said this was ages ago.

Something happened to me a couple of months ago when I was in San Diego for a wedding. We, my family, went to the nearest Mall and I went off on my own. I was chillin in the Apple Store when all of a sudden, I started seeing "stars" and my vision was getting wonky. I remember touching a mouse and when i let go, I literally had a pool of sweat from my finger on the mouse. That's never happened to me before. I was trippin' hard. I went outside of the store to get some air and sat down. I kinda knew what was happening to me, but at the same time, I wasn't sure. Luckily, I had some wits about me, and barely made it up the escalator to the food court. I got some food, I think Chinese, and started to feel better.

I guess the point of this story is that 1) I know that I should get myself checked out and 2) Something in me already knows what I have but is telling me to just go on and whatever happens happens. I'm to the point where I'm thinking "what if I cross this street and I get hit by a car" or "if I turn this corner, will someone try and mug me and get shanked!" There's a part of me that really feels like... well, let's just say that I'm trying to do all I can in the amount of time I have left. I'm spending as much time with friends as I can. I drive ridiculous amounts of miles to try and put things in my memory databanks. I'm trying like hell to make this play happen just so I can say that I left something of me behind. Something that matters to me. To anyone else, that's up to them, but at least I TRIED! I've tried to mend any bridges I might have burned. I'm trying not to hate on anyone nor spread, or participate, in tsismis. I've made peace with my spiritual side as evidenced by my previous posts. I realize how much I've been blessed to have at least known what real love is even though it didn't last - although it did last for a nice amount of time.

As I said, this ain't no suicide letter or anything. Please, I got a ton of stuff still to accomplish in life. But I am preparing. Maybe, hopefully, this is just a midlife thing.