Taking stock

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" - Mary Manin Morrissey

for the most part, I've learned to let go of specific things. I am happy with how life is going for me right at this very moment in this space in time. i'm finally taking the time to actually look back and be proud of myself for being part of bindlestiff, which is something i wished i could have done back in college. but realistically, i'm glad that i stuck it out with school and just focused on that - something that i've never really been able to do - focus. but right now, i'm just taking a break from everything and taking stock of what my accomplishments like having new friends and still finding ways to grow as an artist.

i already mentioned that i'm proud of myself for taking that step to join something with the stiff last december. it was a small thing cuz it wasn't a full production, but it was a step that needed to be taken. the first year that i lived here, i just spent it at work and in sac. i was completely happy just doing those two things - until i was at one of my best friends gigs at someone asked me why i was still coming up there. duh, it was to support my friends AND i still continue to do so, but it made me realize that i don't have any friends outside my circle. on one end of the spectrum, i'm completely satisfied with "who i roll wid", but at the same time, i'm an hour-n-a-1/2 away from them which sux when i just want to go out to the movies with any of them. so, i signed up for a couple of workshops with these crazy folks on 6th street and haven't regretted it since. we've went to the movies together... we have a cast party/potluck later today. saw a play together. it's been fun. i'll admit that i was very cautious about joining them in non-theater stuff at first, for a stupid reason that if i get too close to them, then i'll put my sac family 2nd. i don't want to happen Again. and I'm speaking about the first time I left Sac in '95. I spent all my time with Michelle and her family and friends that i lost touch with my best friends in the world. i missed out on so much! and there's no way in the world, unless i'm in a show on the same night, that i'll do that again!

but the thing i have to trust myself in is that this won't happen again. Since BJ died, there's just that bond that we'll always have which can't be broken. in common, we shared something bonds us for life. at least that's how i think of it. so given this trust, i have been able to make new friends. i don't know how close i'll let myself get still, but time and more shows together will determine that.

oh, i'm also proud that i finished the first draft of Room 812. I'm just happy to be writing again. Still rusty, but at least i'm writing!!!